No Safe Distance

Eleven Things to Consider When You Are In a Relationship

1. Your partner is capable of experiencing an entire array of emotions, many of which will have nothing to do with you.
2. Not everyone copes with everything the same way you do.
3. No one else will ever REALLY know what it is like to be in your shoes. No matter how much they love you.
4. It is not your partner's responsibility to stay locked in a life situation (say, a miserable job) to maintain your status quo.
5. You don't know the complete story of any other human being. Not of your kids, your parents, your spouse, your siblings, your co-workers. No one. You don't and you never will.
6. Being committed to another doesn't mean you become the other. Lives combine but in healthy relationships they don't become absorbed one into the other.
7. It's not always about you. Narcissism is just never good for a relationship.
8. It is not your partner's responsibility to stagnate because you fear change.
9. You can't fall out of true love.
10. Happy marriages are not an urban myth.

11. Having a loving companion makes life a richer experience, but you still walk your path as an individual. Be, solidly, who you are.  Don't wait to start living your life after "they" get settled.  Give them permission to make their own choices and grant yourself the same.

How to Have a Happy Marriage

My husband and I have a perfect marriage.

There. I said it.

I used to play that down, succumbing to the pressure, and believe me, it IS pressure, to keep my big mouth shut when I would hear folks talk about marriage, or the opposite sex. Regardless of whether I was sitting in the therapist chair talking to clients, on the phone coaching someone or sitting across from a friend at lunch, whenever the topic of marriage came up it I'd hear the litany, "We fight like everyone else." "It's never perfect." and the half-statements delivered with an eye roll and knowing glance, "You know...men...", "You know...women..."

Do good marriages, in the "til death do us part" sense, actually exist?

In preparing for the launch of this site, I posted a survey for the readers of my companion blog, The Dragon Slayer's Guide to Life, to get readers' thoughts on the topics of marriage, friendship, aging and mortality. I will be posting survey results over the next couple of weeks.  I want to thank everyone for the excellent commentary that was added to the survey. Look for many articles and discussions to come based on your feedback.

The first survey question was:

Do you believe good marriages, in the "til death do us part" sense, actually exist?

Here's what you all had to say:

Can This Love Last? Just Like This? Promise

Nature gives up shapeless shapes

Clouds and waves and flame

But human expectation is that love remains the same

And when it doesn't we point our fingers and blame blame blame

~Paul Simon, You're the One

Ask somebody to love you takes a lot of nerve. Ask somebody to love you, you've got a lot of nerve.

~Paul Simon

Listen to the album at Rhapsody. Excellent commentary on long term relationships.

How To Write A Love Letter

Let's talk about writing love letters.

Not candy coated pap. Not romance novel fantasy crap. Not "chick" stuff.

Real love letters.

A couple years ago, one of the dearest people I know lost her husband.

She was my age, then 42. It is not for me to share her story (visit her blog) but I will tell you it was sudden.

It was a 4 a.m. knock at the door.

Ten Major Reasons Your Relationship May Fail

According to a New York Times article 51% of women in the U.S. are now living without a spouse as indicated by their analysis of census results.

The article states:

Several factors are driving the statistical shift. At one end of the age spectrum, women are marrying later or living with unmarried partners more often and for longer periods. At the other end, women are living longer as widows and, after a divorce, are more likely than men to delay remarriage, sometimes delighting in their newfound freedom.

According to Prof. Stephanie Coontz, director of public education for the Council on Contemporary Families, a nonprofit research group, "On average, Americans now spend half their adult lives outside marriage.”

Is marriage becoming a thing of the past?

Questions to Ask Before You Get Married

An article in the New York Times poses a series of questions that couples should ask before marrying. As someone who has been married or living with the person I was going to marry for 24 years of life (and counting) I offer you some perspective of my own.  For reference, I got married the first time to a man 20 years older than me when I was 20 years old. Yes, I know. It's been an interesting journey, what can I say? You can read all about that saga in the category "Laura's Journey".  With my "learning marriage" behind me, I married Scott as a reasonably mature adult. We have been married since 1992 and it's a richer experience every year.

According to the Times article, the first question for a couple to consider is:  Have we discussed whether or not to have children, and if the answer is yes, who is going to be the primary care giver?