New Year's Resolutions or Reaffirmations?

I was having lunch with the lovely and talented Antonia Ruppert last Friday and she asked me what my typical Friday was like. 

I couldn't really answer her because I haven't had any typical days for almost two years now.  It's funny, because it wasn't even until writing that very first line that I realized that Friday used to be my ONLY typical day for quite a while. That was my Michael day.

And there were many, many Fridays after he passed that I was very aware of the day, and of the loss, and of how unanchored I was feeling without our weekly visits.

I don't know when Friday stopped being the marker of one more week without him and became simply "Friday".

And it isn't that Michael has slipped from my consciousness. There isn't a day he isn't with me. Maybe that's it...he isn't tied to a corporeal existence anymore so not being tied to a weekday isn't really that surprising. He's not with me less on Fridays now, he's just with me in a more pervasive, if ethereal, way all through the week.

But back to Toni's question...

I told her a bit about a way I structure my life so that I do keep myself moving...it's a way I travel through the various parts of my house and grounds to attend to my living space and possessions. It's not that important for the discussion here, other than to say having some kind of structure, even a self-imposed one, does help when the rest of life becomes dramatically restructured. There is something very grounding in "laundry day" and "errand day" and "clean out the refrigerator and kitchen cabinets day". It sounds so simple, almost trivial, but those activities are part of normal daily life and when normal daily life has been blown apart, suddenly "trivial" can feel an awful lot like the only thing between you and one helluva depression.  It worked. I'm here. And somewhere along the line Friday stopped bringing me to tears for simply being Friday.

As I sit here now looking forward to the year ahead, and reflecting on where I have been, I have an answer that is much more true to the question that Toni, because I know Toni, had hidden underneath the one she asked...

Because it isn't about what one does in a day that really matters, it's about the principles that guide what you do.

When Toni got her food, she stopped me mid sentence for a brief few seconds and closed her eyes. Toni's spirituality guides her life. I knew she was saying grace.

Now if I asked Toni what her typical day was, she may never, ever have mentioned "and I always say grace before I eat" but THAT is who Toni is. I doubt anyone in the coffeehouse even noticed she did that, but that's the glue that holds her life together.

Michael and I talked a lot about the importance of having guiding principles and the added importance of writing them down, life having it's tendency to pull us away from our principles if we don't exercise a little discipline and consciousness. He wrote about his "4 P's" in his book but a few years ago I gleaned from all my endless lists of goals and resolutions and plans and whatnot that I could cook down my life in to 4 S's and those are the principles that are absolutely foundational to my life.

They are:

• Study (reading, listening to, reflecting on inspirational and spiritually resonant works)
• Service (working for the benefit of others, in whatever form that takes)
• Solitude (an active time of contemplation and reflection that can take many forms, like long hikes, gardening, reading, meditating, sitting in the cemetery...this is NOT simply escaping and zoning out, never involved the TV and rarely involves music, I need tons of it)
• Stewardship (right use of resources, caring for what I have and what is in my care, such as my land, sharing what I have with others and being conscious of my relationship with money)

I used to write resolutions. I wrote them in December every year so I could get a headstart on achieving them, because I want to be an A student in whatever classroom this is.  I skipped last year. It was enough for me to survive turning the page of a calendar knowing the Michael was going to be part of "last year". New Year's was one of the hardest events of the last year. I was going to say I resolved to survive it, but I don't think I even had that much gumption about it. I just got through it. That's all I can really say. Or it got through me. It's hard to say.

But this year, after a sometimes trying, sometimes exhilarating, sometimes crushing, sometimes oddly peaceful twelve months I find myself pen in hand back to my annual reflections.

I did write some resolutions...but not really.

I wrote down some things that I really would like to see myself do as expressions of my guiding principles.

And it isn't so much about what I want to do as HOW I want to do it.

I blasted myself in to getting my photos going (because I needed to blast in order to move at all). And there were some real highs and real lows because of it. I don't need to blast now.  What I need, and I do say need, is to bring the way I do this in alignment with my principles. My photos are part solitude, part service...my 'communion' with the natural world and my offering it to you for you to share in whatever images resonate with you for whatever reasons they do. So, some of my "resolutions" have to do with the direction of my photography. I also would like to complete my book. I'd like to be more regular to this blog, also, because it's good for me to write and just this week I got an email from a woman I don't know telling me it's been good for her, too, to read my words. That makes me want to be here more. It's a service.

And just knowing that...that this blog is part of my service...helps me understand it more. It's been a labor of love for years (whichever blog it was, as I've had many). When I was a coach I used to think that somehow it was supposed to be a mechanism to make a living. I've had people want to advertise on it. I've always turned them down. I used to get irritated at myself for spending insane hours writing for no apparent benefit to myself, just one more free service of the self-employed to keep the doors open.

But I closed my doors and still wanted to blog. Came back to this one because I missed it. Enjoy it most when I don't have any other reason to be here but to write. And knowing, explicitly, what my guiding principles are, and reading the emails I get from people I know and from those I don't, I have no confusion about why this is worth the time. I am devoted to service. It's a love, not an obligation. This is one of the ways that is manifested in my life. It's good to know that. I think my clarity on that will make this a better blog. It certainly makes it easier to write.

Let me just back to one point...I say need in regards to my doing things according to my guiding principles because it's a need for me to be an integrated person (think high up on Maslow's Hierarchy) but I know the word need can feel like "should" and "have to" and can just be creepy so I'll also say I want to be in alignment. My life feels so beautiful when I am in alignment, even if the outer stuff isn't so great. If I can take care of the inner stuff, the outer stuff is less relevant. And when that is true I am lighter, kinder, funnier, happier, more generous and more relaxed.  I want to be those things. Living according to my principles has demonstrated to me, in real terms, over and over again, that they are THE keys to me being who I am when I am at my best. Being me can be a lot of fun. It can also bite. Just depends on who I let steer the bus. Me, or my evil (or simply somewhat confused twin) me.

So, in very stark contrast to the coming of a new year last year, I'm actually looking forward to this one. In some ways, while I felt like I was leaving Michael behind last year, I feel like he didn't go very far (he told me he wouldn't), so I've lost him as much as I'm going to lose him, which is surprisingly less than I originally thought. Of course, I can still cry at the drop of a hat for not physically seeing him, but his role in my life, and influence on me went so far beyond those few hours together every week that to suggest that was all there was to our friendship does it a great disservice.

So, I find myself in this odd state of recognition...that's what the reaffirmation is...it's that "Oh! There you are!", finding myself still the same, and maybe even richer for the last couple years, in knowing who I am, what I live for, what guides me...Michael's death didn't impact me nearly as much as his life did and I came with a lot of my own stuff, too, that I had been cultivating in myself since I was 18 and put on my first karate uniform. I've been at this a long time.

And that's all I have to say for now. I see good in the year ahead. I have some things I'd like to share with you and enthusiasm for sharing them. I don't take that for granted. Enthusiasm can sometimes be in such short supply when we've all been going through such tough times. Thanks for taking the time to hang out here for a while. Funny how even that can sound cliche, but seriously, I know I write long drawn out posts. Thanks for sticking with this one. Nice to be back in the mode here...

 

Comments

[erin]

Nice to have you back here.

[erin]

And an appreciated post, may I add. Thanks for sharing this.

[Nick Winter]

Thank you for sharing Laura. Looking forward to maybe hearing more about your relationship with Michael and how it's transformed since he moved on from this physical plane.

[Kate]

Yes; nice to have you here again. Though, I confess, the spaces in between your great posts have been valuable to me, too.
I love that you're on the planet, and delighted when you decide to speak in these ways.

[Laura]

Thank you, my dear. The spaces in between have been good for me too as it turns out...

[www.google.com/accounts/o8/id?id=AItOawno9qu5e_q0PEjynrTm4m0YzrKDud6WTDs]

Thank you Laura! I write this in tears. Last night Michael observed that I am yet experiencing the awesome blessing of your friendship and wisdom long after your days of coaching. This post shows why. I am awed by your words guided by "love not an obligation." Thanks for doing what you do and simply being.

[Toni Ruppert]

Thank you Laura! I write this in tears. Last night Michael observed that I am yet experiencing the awesome blessing of your friendship and wisdom long after your days of coaching. This post shows why. I am awed by your words guided by "love not an obligation."
Thanks for doing what you do and simply being.

[Laura]

Oh Toni, it is my pleasure and delight that you have continued to be a part of my life...