Book and Group Updates and the Meaning of Life

Okay. It's a book.

When I started to dig in to what I had been writing, in those fits of time I was able to, about the events of the last year while being a companion to both my father and Michael as they completed their lives, I thought I just wanted to share a few of my thoughts in a smaller, more intimate, and direct way. The very last thing I wanted to do was write a book (or a pamphlet, for that matter).

But then I kept digging, and transcribing, and filling in the gaps and I started to appreciate what we did, me and these men. I saw what we faced. I saw the complexity of the dance steps we had to learn early on and how elegantly we were able to dance them once we learned to avoid each other's toes. I saw the tough decisions we all faced, not the least of which was whether we were each able to be trusted and whether we were able to grant trust to each other in return. I saw with greater clarity how suffering looked different on each of us and how much love there was between us even in the middle of that.

And that is just the easy stuff. There's a lot more to it, believe me.

Not only did I find the first journal of mine, ever, that I didn't end up shredding but I found I had started to write a book.

But not just a book. An important book.

I've been encouraged behind the scenes to write for many reasons, including that I do a fair job of it and I'm entertaining. And when you have someone as endearing as Michael, a lot of people just want to soak up as many stories as they can because he was an enigma to many, very private, and I can fill in a lot of gaps for a lot of people.

But that's not why I want to write. That's not why I am, now, writing in earnest.

I am writing because, as my dear friend and most excellent editor, Peter Stern once said to me, this book project meets the only criteria that matter:

I have something important to say that I know many people want (I would even say need) to hear and a book is the best way to deliver that message.

It's not about the book. It's certainly not about being a writer. It's about the message and getting that message where it needs to go.

Period.

Michael said certain things to me over the years, months and weeks preceding his death that I didn't really understand about what he thought greiving would be like for me, what would happen to our relationship (yes, we still have one), and what direction he saw my life taking after he was gone. I understood his words, they made intellectual sense, or at least I really wanted them to because there was comfort in much of what he said. Of course, some things were more challenging so I chose to toss out those shoes I didn't want to fit. Funny how they somehow ended up back in my closet.

What he said to me is between the two of us, but I mention it here to say that without any work from me to make it so, all the things he said to me I am finding to be true. Be clear on this. I'm not desperately grasping for every word he ever uttered and forcing it to be some deep revelation to elevate Michael to some supernatural uber-guru status. I'm not furiously recording every last scene I can recall so that I won't lose a single precious memory. I'm not in denial of his death, despite my saying we still have a relationship. Michael has been in many of my dreams from the moment he died. He's been dead in every one of them. Even so, it's been good to see him.

And it isn't only what he said to me in life. Things we didn't even talk about (including in my dreams) are suddenly crystal clear. Questions that have plagued me for years are being answered so definitively I don't even have to write them down for fear of forgetting them.

Answers to questions like, "What is the purpose of my life?" and "Why am I writing?"

Do you know how many times I have stopped writing because I had no idea why I was doing it and who I was doing it for? I didn't know why anyone did it...and gosh the books I looked in to find the answer!

I read a blog post by a former coach of mine who had a crisis of confidence after his book was rejected by his publisher (after quite a long courtship). He even questioned his legitimacy to write despite having a healthy practice for over a decade.

I don't have the least flicker of doubt in me.

I just got through writing that I have no answer to the "occupation" blank on standard forms and yet I haven't the least question of my own authority.

And that, incidentally has absolutely nothing to do with "claiming expert status" in anything.

I don't say that because I am naive. I don't say it because I've got an over-inflated ego. I didn't whip myself into a frenzy with affirmations or suddenly break down and read The Secret.

I say it because I KNOW the value of my own experience. I feel the full authority of what I lived through in every cell of my body. I felt every inch of the road beneath my feet.

Before you ask: No, I'm not going to tell you my life purpose (even if you are a personal friend of mine and talk real pretty to me). I used to read other people's statements on their's and would always try them on for size. Now, I know that it doesn't happen that way. I'm going to say that terrible thing you hear and want to shake people for:

When you find it, you will know it.

I should add that there is no guarantee you will find it for yourself. I think most people don't, if I am forced to draw a conclusion from what I see around me. But then again, most people never really, sincerely look. It took me almost 48 years to get here. I don't know if that makes me a slow learner or a quick study. I've stopped caring. I know what I dedicated to the search.

I also know that if I told you it wouldn't mean a darn thing unless I live it in my actions. And if my actions are in alignment with my reason for being, the sentence that sums it up won't be one you need to heare from me. It will BE me.

And the cherry on my sundae is that I have no qualms about people wondering if I am a little bit woo woo, what with my mentioning of an ongoing relationship with a dead friend, a car adorned by magnetic poetry courtesy of Maya Stein, and my penchant for burning incense in cemeteries.

I'm not.

And that's really all I have to say on that subject.

As for groups, retreats, etc...right now the book is the thing because there really is a volume of stuff I want to get down while it is fresh so for the next several months that will be my priority. If I can sneak out some photography during that time, too, I will be a very, very happy girl. The live stuff will be an outgrowth of the written so it's in there, it's just that one will lead the other.

And there you have it.

Comments

[Barbara Bellissimo]

I *love* that you are writing again. It makes me realize how much I've missed you. Looking forward to more about whatever is next for you.

Love,
B

[Nick Winter]

Yay! So exciting! Can we pre-order now? ;)

[Kate]

You make me smile and you re-affirm for me that I am my own best guru. Signposts from the roads of those who know that, too, are wonderful; so I'll preorder, too.
Love you dear one.

[Laura]

Love you guys. I think this is going to be good. And your support means a lot, btw, so thank you.

[Erin]

I was about to type the first thought I had - how glad I am to have this quiet Ssturday morning to sit and take in this post- this message from you. And then I realized - I'm glad and blessed to have this post to read- and making the time for it's MY gig. Glad for all of this - you writing, your clarity, your willingness to be a yellow arrow along the road for all of us - and I do mean all of us, not just those of us who know you or frequent NSD. All of us.

Love you. That is all.

[Laura]

I think you will like this. Just wrote about the post-Apocalyptic Munchkin Land (yeah, the rest of you will just have to wait until the book comes out). He really was a very funny boy.

[Jerry Q]

I told you that your occupation was in process wow was I right. But then all of us are in process.