But You Don't Understand, Michael Schwass Was My Best Friend!

I know the web is being lit up like a Christmas tree as the news is spreading about the passing of Michael Schwass and so many in deep, deep grief are looking for anything to help make this profound loss easier to bear. Looking for news, photos, any piece of him that will help us all wake up and realize that this has all been some horrible mistake. For as vulnerable as we all knew he was, he ALWAYS beat the odds. It was all too easy for us to assume he always would.

I mean, look at him just weeks ago...

 How could someone with that glow be gone?

For the people in my life who knew Michael's significance to me, and who have been touched by him either directly or indirectly as a result, I can tell you that, yes, my eyes are pretty puffy but all that deep work we have been doing these past several years was not just cotton candy. So in between crying jags I'm deeply joyful for him. Just so proud. And grateful beyond words that he prepared me so well for this. He taught me what to do and I was so desperate in my anticipatory grief it was either sink or swim.

He taught me to swim.

I gulped so much water along the way I thought it would destroy me and so many times I asked myself why I would subject myself to such intense pain when I could have easily walked away. Just gotten out of the pool and gone home.

But he knew something I wanted to know.

I wanted to know how to glow like that. He had a light I've almost never seen and I was drawn to it like a moth to a flame.

And it burned me at times in ways I wouldn't wish on anyone.

But what came out on the other side...the woman I became, am becoming, will continue to become...the woman who could see her father through his death and lose Michael in the same season and still feel these moments of joy...that was worth it for me.

Do I feel pain? Oh baby, baby, you know I do. But I will take the pain of missing him over the pain of watching him suffer any day of the week.

I was reading today some of the old posts I had written when he was getting me acclimated to imagining life without his physical presence and the things he would say and do to help me. I decided to put them back up, not assuming they will save anyone from all the crushing pain of his loss, but hoping that for some, when you are ready, if you want, you might find a few words from him vicariously that might help you remember all the things he taught you so you can build your own bridges into whatever it is we are all building now without him at our side in physical form.

It's daunting. And you may not be ready for a long, long time. It's hard to imagine that anyone else can possibly comprehend our grief because he was so...so Michael...our Michael...my Michael. So many people are saying, "He was my best friend." And then there are so many of us saying, "Yes, but you don't really understand, he was my BEST friend." And then there are those of us who are certain we were HIS best friend.

There is no competition here. And one of the messages of his life is to dissolve those very boundaries and just BE love. Just emanate that spirit which moves through you and get the ego out of the way. Love beyond your sense of self. Even if you are sure it will kill you. It will kill you. The little you. The ego you. And that is just an absolute bitch of a process. I won't lie to you. But there IS another You in there. Possibly very anorexic and atrophied from lack of fresh air and exercise but it's there.

I can tell you, from my own experience, without hesitation and in all seriousness, I loved Michael more than I was humanly capable of. Trust me, I'm human, I'm not that good. But the love I had for him kept being so much better than I actually was. And I can't yet do that with every person which makes him desperately important to me. I have feared that he is the ONLY person I will ever be capable of loving THAT unconditionally, like the kind of person you would take a bullet for or stare down a tiger to protect.

Maybe there are others who had that same experience. He brought out a good in us that we didn't even have, and THAT is the hard part. We didn't just fall in love with him. We fell in love with who we were when we were with him. And some of us are scared to death we will never feel that good in our own skins again. Will never be that good again. Will never feel the way he made us feel when we were with him.

But Michael was the first to say that it was Grace, not him, that accomplished that. And that he wasn't bringing out anything in us that we didn't already have. Didn't teach us one thing we didn't already know even though we might have forgotten it. And that Grace was what he tapped in to. He didn't create it or invent it. He channelled it. He tapped in.

And through that same Grace, so can we.

I'll see you on the Path...

Comments

[amy pappas]

Hi Laura
Your posts are so inspirational, sweet and so true...My name is Amy and I worked with Mike since 2001...In the last 9 years Mike has gotten me through every single crisis, been with me for every joy, and been the most inspirational person I have ever met. Most recently in the last year I haven't been able to work much with him because my son was diagnosed with autism and we had a crazy therapy schedule but he always took the time to call and check up on how we were doing...I don't know why I am telling you all this when all I really want to tell you is that Mike talked about you all the time...I am sure you of all people know your relationship with him but you were definately his true "best friend". Normally I would not write anything but I believe you need to hear how important you were to him and how much he truly loved you!

Sincerly,
Amy
amybabyjay@aol.com

[Jerry Q]

Laura,

How difficult it is to recognize our own humanity and limits in our own grief. The courage it takes to be fully human and present in the face of day to day living. This man, this friend, this teacher was all of that for you and so many others. But when you were with him he was that for you. Being with him physically or spiritually his love was transformative and so is your love. Your love than is transformative for others. I know this because I have experienced it. Your love transformed him also. Love, true love is always mutual and so the world is a better place. I am honored to have known Michael through you and so in some unfathomable way I have also been touched by this remarkable love.
J.

[Jacqui Howe]

Sending you truck loads of LOVE Laura - I'm so sorry to hear this news, of both Michael and your Dad. Xxxx Jacqui

[Lisa]

Very nice post. It was moving.

Cathy C. Boston MA

[Laura]

Thank you, all.

[Laura]

And Amy, I especially want to thank you. I do remember meeting you at the office. Michael was so proud of you and spoke so highly of you. Your words really touched me and came at just the right time. Thank you for taking the time to say them. You are right, you said some things that were important for me to hear and they helped more than you know.