Dear Miss Laura,
Why my Heavens! What a small world we do live in, indeed! Yes, I was born and raised in the great town of Frog Holler. Home of the best pickled mashed potatoes that you ever did eat. Why, my Great Great Grandmother Bertha on my mother’s side (friends called her Bertie), had the most scrumptious recipe this side of Pigtail County. She would say it was all in the stirring, but we all knew it was the splash of gin that gave it that extra zip. Bertie loved her bottle, although no one would ever say that to her face. Rumor was that Mr. Billy Bob, he was Bertie’s second cousin twice removed on her Father’s side, tried to take away her beloved bottle and she just bopped him on the side of his head with it. He always walked kind of funny after that. Now I must remind you, that is just a rumor, but it comes from a very reliable source.
Now, Junior Picklewater was my husband’s 3rd cousin on his Aunt Julia’s side. I can’t remember if he was 2 or 3 times removed. Well, just the most delightful boy. Although he did have that habit of picking the lint out of his bellybutton at the most inopportune times. He had the deepest bellybutton that anyone ever did see and he would charge the visitors to our fair town 2 cents to see it. That’s how he bought that red catcher’s mitt. Darndest thing. Why would a boy want a red catcher’s mitt? But he had to have it. Lucky for him that circus of freak performers came by when they did. Made him one of their own and I believe that you can now see his bellybutton display as part of the sideshow extravaganza down in the Florida area.
Well, my husband Bubba is a great lover of cheese. He loves cheese fritters, cheese soup, cheese toast, cheese, cheese, cheese. The man cannot say no to a piece of gouda to save his life. Why I said to him, “Bubba, if you eat one more piece of cheese, you are going to turn in to a cheese head!” Well, the next think that I know he is packing up all of our belongings and we are moving to Wisconsin. Bubba says that he feels closer to God here because any state that is known for great cheese must be a part of Heaven. Bubba was always funny that way. Mama always said that he was a little thick in the head.
My friend, Virginia, (such a dear friend but the kind of woman who just things she knows everything because she has cable TV), has informed me that you are not a soccer coach. She has explained to me that you are a professional coach who helps people get organized in their life and realized their goals.
Well, at first I thought, Virginia, you are just telling stories again. You see, she has always been envious of the soccer coach position. At our last town meeting it was voted on that the soccer coach would receive free hot-dogs, the all beef kind, for every winning game. Of course, Bubba had to throw in some cheese to go with those hot-dogs. Well, Virginia just about blew her britches when she heard that! She has always been partial to all beef hot-dogs and set herself on a mission to make those dogs her own.
Of course, Virginia knows less about soccer than a tadpole. So who would believe that you are what they call a ‘professional’ coach? Why my mama would say “Anyone who needs someone to tell them what to do, outside of Bubba, must be thick in the head.” Mama must have thought everyone was thick in the head because she was always telling everyone what to do. She must be one of those professional coaching pioneers.
Well, I just turned right to Virginia and said, “Virginia, everyone in town knows you are after those all beef hot-dogs so stop trying to discredit this lovely young woman! Now go and take care of those chicken pot pies you are baking and leave the coaching to the professionals!” Well, I must say, she turned two shades of green and stomped off. Of course, she’ll cool down by supper time. She always does.
I will write more about Skippy’s team at a later time. Bubba has just come home from a cheese hunting trip. You see, the local boys like to hide cheese in the nearby woods and see if Bubba can sniff it out. Looks like Bubba had a successful hunt. The truck is full.
Thank you Miss Laura,
Penelope Picklewater
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