Tea With Laura: How To Be Honest

To listen to this post, click here (about 11 minutes)

Hi! This is Laura Young at No Safe Distance and this is another episode of "Tea with Laura". Today's tea of choice is Throat Coat because I'm feeling a little bit scratchy. I have to give a bit "thumbs up" to Traditional Medicinals.

Today's question is kind of an interesting one that wasn't actaully posed to me but was an answer to a question on the recent survey I did on what question the respondent was actually wrestling with themselves. This particular person was wresting with the question,

"How can I be completely honest?"

I happen to know this person and I won't out them but gosh, I wanted to take a crack at this. So there are some things that I want to say and I'm just going to talk frankly because this is what you should expect when you have tea with Laura, frank conversation.

You know what? From me to you, talking openly about this? The first question about honesty is "How sincerely are you approaching the question? Do you really want to live an honest life?"

Because if you do, it's going to take a little work. A little work tackling that Ego. And this is the thing about honesty, that we have to look at what might be holding us back from being honest so I dedicate this to all the mid-lifers out there who are fearful that their mojo is fading and who occasionally like to play with matches, maybe have the wandering eye, maybe use social networking sites to go see if any old loves can still be simmering on the back burner just to know if you've still "got it".

Know what's motivating you. You will never be able to be honest with anybody else until you understand what drives your own actions. What motivations you Ego had in doing what it does. Sometimes we get such a charge from the Ego that we don't sincerely step up to the question of honesty or integrity because our fear, our fear and our need wins out.

Now I'm not sitting here having tea with you trying to tell you I am perfect. In my life, I have had the wrong-turns, U-turns, cul-du-sac missteps, sticking my hand on the burner even though I knew it was red hot. I'm not here to cast stones, believe me. I'm involved in this work every bit as much as anybody listening to this but you have to make the decision whether you really want to achieve what you say you want to achieve whenever any of us talk about integrity or honesty or being authentic because honesty might cost you some things. Integrity might cost you some things. Authenticity might cost you some things.

A lot of people are out there in challenging relatioships that they might have waning commitment to. You start talking about that directly you might find there's ambivalence on the other side of that conversation, too and next thing you know you've put yourself on a track that changes your life as you know it in a very dramatic way.

So how do you start the process?

I highly recommend journalling, meditation, engaging in centering practices that will allow you to say, "Okay, so what is it that keeps me from being honest? What is my motivation to hide this part of me right now? What's the part of me that feels a little sneaky, or feels a little self protective, or is kind of playing with some things that I know could blow up in my face but yet I'm like a moth to a flame? What is that flame that is drawing me? What is it that I'm needing?"

Develop the capacity to be a compassionate, open-eyed, bold and courageous observer of your own behavior. Put aside your judgement. Put aside criticism. Go with curiosity and compassion knowing that you are human like everybody else and sit with those questions. "I see myself doing this, I see it preventing me from being honest, what is it that I'm protecting? What is it that I fear? What is it the nature of this flame that I am drawn to like a moth?"

Are we protecting our security? Are we protecting our vision of ourselves as still young? Are we protecting our status quo because we're afraid of what it will mean if we change our lives too dramatically before we are ready? Are we protecting somebody else's feelings?

You may have very, very good reasons for not being honest. I talked to a friend of mine who is 73 who actually told me that she believes very honestly that if somebody has a "one night stand" that they should not tell their spouse. And this is a very devout, Catholic, prim and proper woman and that just blew me away. She thinks there are some circumstances where the cost of honesty is too high. I don't know if I agree with her or not on that but I'm giving this as an example to tell you that it isn't cut and dry.

The way to become honest is to really explore, approach and understand what the nature of those barriers are between you and that honesty and not to say, "Oh well, I'm dealing with some karmic stuff, I may never figure it out." or "Oh well, Freud was right, I was potty trained incorrectly so..." Or "You know, my parents divorced when I was young, so I've just been hurt too many times to risk honesty." Don't sell yourself short in terms of your capacity to be honest. This isn't something to be passive about. This is informed consent. Understand why you are not being honest and then make the choice deliberately and consciously. You may decide it's more important for me right now, because my fear is so intense that I may have passed my peak attractiveness in life and I can't deal with that right now, I have to go look up those old loves and I'm going to do that consciously. If that's where you're at, go for it. But keep that curiousity: "Why is that? Why do I need that? When will I be satisified? What do I need to know? What stops me from accepting the path of my life and the fading of all this?"

All right, enough food for thought for today. I welcome your comments, your questions, concerns, agreements, disagreements. Feel free to put them in the comments section and if you have questions you would like to toss into the mix for me, please don't hesitate to e-mail them to me and be sure to visit my website if you are would like to find out more about working with me privately.

Be well!

L

Comments

[Orin]

Haha, this is great! It is slightly related to my tea-time question. What you appear to be saying is that there's something simmering beneath the surface, the source of potential dishonesty - and that it's probably a mystery - at least until it gets brought to light and examined in depth. But what if it's no mystery at all? What if you've given it a lot of thought, know why you're not telling all, and everything in the world points to, "Yeah, don't go there; ever." What if it's just plain BAD? The bit about the Catholic saying one should never tell a spouse about a one-night-stand... that's the most curious bit - at least to me. Is she right or wrong, and either way: WHY?