The Dragon Slayer's Guide to Life

It Doesn't Sound Too Romantic, but Good Food for Thought

To capture the mystery, caprice and force of romantic love, the ancients conjured Cupid, a mischievous immortal in whose thrall we are wholly powerless. Science provides a different view. By exploring human nature, we discover that being smitten—at first or forever—is a function of invisible forces, but there's little that's capricious about them. The real arrows in Cupid's quiver distill personal history and serendipity into a cache of chemicals that bathes the brain, compelling us to act in ways that are mistaken for fate or folly. Understanding the hidden power of biology to shape our most cherished relationships may banish Cupid to the Sistine ceiling forever.

Full article at Psychology Today

The Evolving Marriage: And So We Enter Our "Third Age"

The first eight years we were joined at the hip.  Worked in the same place. Had one car. Took classes after work continually. Latin ballroom dance. Massage. Wine tasting. Photography. Yoga. Long walks at dusk in the forest preserve. Bike rides. Weekly dinners with friends. How close were we?  Well, when I showed up at a friends house by myself, only to be greeted by their three year old son as "Laur'nCott" I knew Scott and I had become "as one" in our marital transformation.

I still remember the afternoon I took my camera out to the forest preserve, by myself, and didn't come back for THREE WHOLE HOURS.  It was the oddest experience, to be away from my husband for that long. It was that noteworthy.

Can This Love Last? Just Like This? Promise

Nature gives up shapeless shapes

Clouds and waves and flame

But human expectation is that love remains the same

And when it doesn't we point our fingers and blame blame blame

~Paul Simon, You're the One

Ask somebody to love you takes a lot of nerve. Ask somebody to love you, you've got a lot of nerve.

~Paul Simon

Listen to the album at Rhapsody. Excellent commentary on long term relationships.

Eleven Things to Consider When You Are In a Relationship

1. Your partner is capable of experiencing an entire array of emotions, many of which will have nothing to do with you.
2. Not everyone copes with everything the same way you do.
3. No one else will ever REALLY know what it is like to be in your shoes. No matter how much they love you.
4. It is not your partner's responsibility to stay locked in a life situation (say, a miserable job) to maintain your status quo.
5. You don't know the complete story of any other human being. Not of your kids, your parents, your spouse, your siblings, your co-workers. No one. You don't and you never will.
6. Being committed to another doesn't mean you become the other. Lives combine but in healthy relationships they don't become absorbed one into the other.
7. It's not always about you. Narcissism is just never good for a relationship.
8. It is not your partner's responsibility to stagnate because you fear change.
9. You can't fall out of true love.
10. Happy marriages are not an urban myth.

11. Having a loving companion makes life a richer experience, but you still walk your path as an individual. Be, solidly, who you are.  Don't wait to start living your life after "they" get settled.  Give them permission to make their own choices and grant yourself the same.

Top Ten Reasons Your Relationship May Fail

According to a recent New York Times article 51% of women in the U.S. are now living without a spouse as indicated by their analysis of census results.

The article states:

Several factors are driving the statistical shift. At one end of the age spectrum, women are marrying later or living with unmarried partners more often and for longer periods. At the other end, women are living longer as widows and, after a divorce, are more likely than men to delay remarriage, sometimes delighting in their newfound freedom.

According to Prof. Stephanie Coontz, director of public education for the Council on Contemporary Families, a nonprofit research group, "On average, Americans now spend half their adult lives outside marriage.”

I had no idea it was that high or that I was in such a minority. I've already spent over half my life in marriage, (albeit not the same one continually) or living with someone I would ultimately marry. I love being married. After fifteen years I can honestly say, without hesitation, that my marriage to Scott becomes richer every year, even as we become more individuated as adults (maybe because of this). 

Are good marriages really becoming a thing of the past?

William H. Frey, a demographer with the Brookings Institution, notes “For better or worse, women are less dependent on men or the institution of marriage. Younger women understand this better, and are preparing to live longer parts of their lives alone or with nonmarried partners. For many older boomer and senior women, the institution of marriage did not hold the promise they might have hoped for, growing up in an ‘Ozzie and Harriet’ era.”

This article disheartened me not because I think everyone should be married. I have no problem at all with people choosing to remain single.  I'm discouraged because I see so many unhappy relationships and have talked to many people who really did want a good marriage (regardless of gender orientation).  Many people are not single because it was their first choice. But even more, it saddens me that so many women in this article talked about the freedom they have now that they couldn't get in their relationships.  For so many, marriage now feels like it would take something away from them that they value.

Someone once said to me that they thought good marriages were an urban myth and I had to take issue with that because I am in one. But how have Scott and I avoided being another statistic? What have I learned in 25 years in personal development work as a therapist and life coach in addition to my 26 years cumulative years of marriage? As I look at the increasing statistical evidence and have listened to the experiences of those around me, the single, the married and the mostly commited, I have been forced to draw several conclusions as to why most relationships will fail.

Here are my Top Ten Warning Signs that a Relationship May End Badly

1. Demonstrated failure to support each other's growth, feeling threatened by a spouse's success, jealousy toward your partner. This can be communicated in directly undermining ways like when a husband handed divorce papers to his wife when she achieved a hard earned business goal, withdrawing them later when her business began to flounder, or passively/passive aggressively by moping, irritability or other tension that result in the successful partner feeling they have to minimize their achievements or hide them in some way.
2. Hypersenstivity to "control issues" in arguments, often translated as "I hate it when you call me on my shit and just remember you aren't the boss of me." Having every request for compromise or a change in behavior result in some comment referring to "not needing a mother/father."
3. Selfishness/more focus on what you are getting than what you are giving.  Keeping score, especially an internal hidden tally of all the times one has "given in" or done something for the other. Always taking note of who gets the biggest piece of cake.
4. Resistance to taking responsibility for oneself and one actions "Oh yeah? Well you aren't so terrific either. Remember that time you..."
5. Forgetting the "or worse" part of the marriage vows or whether married or not, failure to equally share the burden during hard times.  Example (yes, I know this will be sexist but I have seen it more than once): Husband loses job, wife continues to spend like she always has assuming he will be able to continue to provide in the same way he always did by pulling some magic rabbit out of a hat.  Family goes into debt. Wife panics and maybe gets angry wondering what "they" will do now.  Husband feels pressure to seek high paying job in organization he believes will eat him alive in return for his efforts while wife considers working part time at Hobby Lobby to help make ends meet until "they" get back on their feet and she can quit her hobby job.
6. Beginning with the end in mind or "How will I protect myself when we break up and they try to screw me out of all my stuff?"
7. Basic lack of respect, calling each other names, using sarcasm or demeaning each other in the name of humor.  Cruelty in arguments, use of personal insults when angry. Using anger as an excuse to be hurtful.  (Yes, I did say that. Anger is not an excuse to be cruel and hurtful in your speech or actions.)
8. Sneakiness, "If you don't know about my shit you can't call me on it, now can you?"
9. Framing every compromise as a win-lose proposition.
10. Choosing a partner because something is better than nothing or for what they aren't ("They don't beat me.  I could do worse."). If you can't say immediately and with enthusiasm why you are with your partner, well, why are you with your partner.  Don't treat them like a place holder until something better comes along or a way to stop from being alone if nothing does.

Feel free to comment, agree, disagree, add your own thoughts.  Relationships are hard.  We have fewer and fewer models of solid working relationships around us all the time.  If you have not given up on marriage and do want to be able to say after twenty or thirty, or even five years, that your marriage has enhanced your life and given you more than you would have experienced on your own, please give these points some serious thought.

Good marriages are not an urban myth but they do appear to be on the Endangered Species list.

If I can help at all please don't hesitate to contact me or visit Wellspring Coaching.

Stumble It

Questions to Ask Before You Get Married

A recent article in the New York Times poses a series of questions that couples should ask before marrying. As someone who has been married or living with the person I was going to marry for 24 years I offer you some perspective of my own.  For reference, I got married the first time to a man 20 years older than me when I was 20 years old. Yes, I know. It's been an interesting journey, what can I say? You can read all about that saga here.  With my "learning marriage" behind me, I married Scott as a reasonably mature adult. We have been married 14 years now and it's a richer experience every year.

According to the Times article, the first question for a couple to consider is:  Have we discussed whether or not to have children, and if the answer is yes, who is going to be the primary care giver?

How To Write A Love Letter

Let's talk about writing love letters.

Not candy coated pap. Not romance novel fantasy crap. Not "chick" stuff.

Real love letters.

Secrets of a Happy Marriage

My husband and I have a perfect marriage.

There. I said it.

I used to play that down, succumbing to the pressure, and believe me, it IS pressure, to keep my big mouth shut when I would hear folks talk about marriage, or the opposite sex. Regardless of whether I was sitting in the therapist chair talking to clients, on the phone coaching someone or sitting across from a friend at lunch, whenever the topic of marriage came up it I'd hear the litany, "We fight like everyone else." "It's never perfect." and the half-statements delivered with an eye roll and knowing glance, "You know...men...", "You know...women..."

Sex, Intimacy, Love and Cultivating "Til Death Do You Part" Relationships

During an on-line discussion once, several of us were talking about relationships and how people interact with each other. In the course of the conversation I made reference to having fun when kids braid my hair and that I hadn't met any adults playful enough to do that although on a hiking trip to Utah my 68 year old travelling companion was inspired to pull my hair and clobber me with her pillow.

I got this reply from a forum member: