The Evolving Marriage: And So We Enter Our "Third Age"

The first eight years we were joined at the hip.  Worked in the same place. Had one car. Took classes after work continually. Latin ballroom dance. Massage. Wine tasting. Photography. Yoga. Long walks at dusk in the forest preserve. Bike rides. Weekly dinners with friends. How close were we?  Well, when I showed up at a friends house by myself, only to be greeted by their three year old son as "Laur'nCott" I knew Scott and I had become "as one" in our marital transformation.

I still remember the afternoon I took my camera out to the forest preserve, by myself, and didn't come back for THREE WHOLE HOURS.  It was the oddest experience, to be away from my husband for that long. It was that noteworthy.

Enter the second eight years and a tremendous pendulum swing.  We purchased our home and I became self-employed.  His work at the hospital increased and increased and increased and in an effort to meet the demand (he's very specialized in what he does--pediatric neurocognitive assessments) his days kept extending. Weekends were taken with restoring this house, a not-so-well-cared-for foreclosure property. At first the 14 hour workdays were just during his busy Spring and Fall seasons (time for school IEP's, planning special ed services for the kids in need) but ultimately the demand never went away.  I really struggled with this at first as I watched him grow old before my eyes and saw our old life fading away.  But how do you match that up against the grief of families with disabled children?  He's brilliant at what he does and they needed him and so I learned to have my own life.

And as you know from my recent "Time Alone" post, I have come to appreciate and even relish my hermit-like existence.  I became used to long days alone, cultivating friendships with people that my husband had never met, dinner at 9:30 every night, bike rides alone.  The affection didn't diminish. There were no arguments. Our relationship wasn't destabilized and we still enjoyed each other's company. It just was that we didn't have very much of it.  Somehow we went from being "Laura'nCott" to my having friends that would stare at each other in disbelief, "You've MET him?  Really? What does he look like??" (I'm not exaggerating.)

And now, just past our 16th anniversary, we are entering our Third Age.  The pendulum is coming to the middle. Scott is now among the self-employed after taking a long hard look at what his lifestyle was costing him.  He looks like he has just escaped from Alcatraz.

It's an interesting time for me. At first I panicked.  WHAT? No more hermitage?  Am I supposed to make lunch for him every day? He doesn't like carrot/beet juice and soy milk protein drinks like I do. I have a whole vibe here by myself. Windows open letting the sultry summer air in.  Champa. Tea. Writing. Client time. Computer time. Quiet.  A/C on for my Minnesota boy so it would be nice and icy for him in here about an hour so or before he got home.  Is he going to expect me to live with closed windows and air conditioning all summer? How was he going to change my life?

And then there is the little matter of health insurance and all those benefits of having one salaried person in the household when the other is, frankly, limping along a little in this economy where life coaching is clearly a discretionary expense many are weighing against things like skyrocketing gas, food and you-name-it prices. If we had to survive solely on my coaching income right now, we would lose the house.  Countless coaches have left the profession for this very reason.  Was I going to have to close up shop and go back to work for "The Man?"  Could I even handle that at this point? 

And helping Michael right now? Out of the question, at least financially. And if I had to get a full time job, there would go my Fridays with the Rishi and, frankly, there are not an endless supply of those left. 

And, the truth is, I'm not Laur'nCott anymore. My life has expanded significantly. As my brother-in-law just found out, I've learned about "space."

And let me be completely honest here.  Part of me when through some "Imposter Syndrome" wrestling held up against the loss of my husband's salary plus benefits.  Am I really a successful coach if the truth is I could not take over all our expenses?  Was I just conveniently playing at being self-employed while relying on someone else to be captain of the ship? To what degree was I actually okay and benefitting from my husband's crushing work/lifestyle while I was off taking pictures of tidal pools in Rhode Island and having the occassional lunch with Peter or Christopher?

The beauty is I can say all these things out loud to Scott. He can hear it all without feeling threatened or unsupported or defensive. He understands we have never been here before and we're both going to have a significant adjustment period. And my friends have been great. Michael even brought me a tin cup. He said it was his, so I couldn't have it, but I could use it as a model if I wanted to get one of my own. He also discussed sunglass selection with me, to go with the tin cup. 

Self-pity is not something any of my friends tolerate very well.  Bless their little wise-ass hearts.

The truth is, none of these things matter to the degree I thought they would. Scott is VERY respectful of my "me time" and my work.  He's working hard as well and off to a great start in his new venture. Things will be tight here, for sure, for the next year probably, but neither of us come from money so we aren't feeling deprived.  The truth is, for reasons I don't really understand (I suspect I was a Poor Clare in a past life), I think I actually do better with less money.  I'm more creative, a better steward of what we have, much more conscious about what things really cost and what I do and do not need.  It's a tremendous exercise in awareness and I don't think that's bad.  The only exception to this is that my own regular contributions to helping Michael have been compromised (read: impossible right now) but others have been making efforts to step in and are lovingly filling some of the gap so I have to trust that God or the Universe or whatever Power is out there will continue to make that possible.  We're all in this together.

Not a soul who has learned of Scott's transition has done anything but grin, hugely, and express relief that he decided to do this.  Scott himself has said, more than once, that he felt he was going to die at his desk, like a fellow employee did a while back. He had even thought about how long it would take for someone to find him if that happened.

That is a very sobering thought for a wife to contemplate.

Riding behind him on the bike trails, all I can feel is thankful that he gets the chance he supported me in getting years ago...to know what the weather is every day. That seems like such a small thing but both of had windowless 8 X 10 basement offices for years.  He for the last 16 or so. His was also lead-encased, having been an x-ray suite prior to his occupancy.

Unless you have lived for that many years, working 12 or more hours a day in a windowless space, you won't be able to relate to how truly glorious it is to see the sky.  Damn right, I love to shovel snow.  Of course, I have to be on the roof.  It took me a  long time to recover from that environment and Scott was there for 20 years. He said he has absolutely nothing to compare this experience to in his adult life. I know exactly what he means. And I know some of you reading this understand very well what shaking off the trauma of a very difficult work situation is like (in all it's manifestations).

So what about the Imposter Syndrome? Was I really just hiding out and faking being successfully self-employed?  Of course not. Dear God, people, no.  That was just a neurotic blip.  Yeah, the economy is making it difficult for people to afford things like having a coach. The marketing coaches will always do well in times like these. There are no shortage of people out there trying to teach people how to make money and claiming their businesses are booming. They probably are. People pay lots of money when they are afraid and in need and believe that someone has a solution to their dilemma.  But I don't do marketing coaching or corporate/executive coaching. I work with different people in different life circumstances than that. Not all of my people are rolling in dough. Like I said, we're all in this together, and that includes this very challenging time in our country.

Will I have to look for other ways to bring in money? Not for a while, if I have to at all. We'll have to see.  If I did, would that mean I had failed, or that this had somehow not been real or legitimate? Not at all.  Would I give this up completely? Never.  I love the people I work with. I'm not going anywhere, but I may be a little more multi-faceted in the future. Or maybe at least in my business. And that, actually was in the plans already.

It's all about remaining open. Acknowledging the fears. The panic. The uncomfortable psychic wiggles. Acknowledging without acting on them. Talking. Breathing. Asking oneself, "Is this true? Is this fear warranted? What is the hard evidence for it?"

And watching. Open-eyed. 

Now, I may have a few days coming up where I will turn and say, "You're STILL here?!"  It feels a little unreal. Surreal. I get some twinges on the bike that make me feel like I'm waiting for a shoe to drop.  Did I really get my husband back?  Can we keep it like this for a while? Living together, working together, eating dinner at 6, having mutual friends again? Who are we now and how does this newly reshaped puzzle piece fit into the life I had built over the last eight years? 

What will the Third Age of this marriage look like and how long will it last?

I have no idea but I'm really liking the question. Even liking the way it makes me uncomfortable as much as I am liking the pleasant surprises like how good the house feels with Scott's presence here more.

In other news, I STILL am working hard to launch the new site for you and have a bunch of stuff waiting in the wings.  It will get born when it gets born. You will at least get to see the initial phases in July. I think you will like it. It's got meat and a whole lot more of me than you've gotten in a while.

Funny parallel with my marriage, I dare say.

So, stick around...many more lessons ahead, methinks, and I'll be sure to share them as I go.  The pace may be a little different. After all, I have a man here I'd like to get to know again. 

Comments

[Erin]

I love that photo -- and this post.

[nancy vb]

here's to new ages and celestial chuckles and psychic wiggles!! nancy v-b

[Peter]

Congratulations to Scott and good luck to you both. Please tell Scott (as I'm sure he's finding out already) that daily sunlight is a wonderful thing.

[Kate]

Wonderful photo; stupendous post; exactly the sort of stuff I expected from you.
Hi, Scott; Welcome to the world.

Thanks for sharing this with us.

[Laura Young]

Thanks everyone! So far I am seeing far more pros than cons of this move. Just loved getting on the bike with him before my first client on this remarkably gorgeous day. He's got 7 referrals, maybe 8 and 2 office locations ready for him so once he has a few necessary materials gathered he'll be underway.
It's really pretty exciting, I must say.
He's finding out some very interesting stuff about insurance and COBRA and health care saving accounts. I'll be passing that info along once he gets further along in that research.
He even said he might have me help him with a website and...drumroll...blog. Of course, it won't be monkey mania like my sites can be, but will be great resources for folks with questions about cognitive issues in kids so in the months ahead we may get him online. You'll be sure to hear about it here.

[Kristie]

I was thinking not to long ago that we are entering into the tri-cycle, or preparing for "High School Musical Three." Your post of entering into your Third Age fit in so well. The "Gratitude Dance" that Kate posted earlier, seemed like a nice theme as we undergo rearrangement of our careers, home, relationships and finances while moving out of fear and wiggle into the unknown.

Another great post as so many of us can relate. Wishing both of you sunny days ahead.

Hugs
Kristie

[Helen]

Private Health Insurance--bazillions

New office stuff--Bazillions

Self employed Night time fears--kind of fun

FREEDOM--PRICELESS

[Nancy Haines]

Ah, Laura, such an awesome post. I love learning about relationships from you. You're the best coach in the world! Welcome home, Scott!

Love ya both,
Nancy

[Sophie]

Great post! I enjoy reading your blog. It sounds like you are beginning a great adventure. Wow, 20 years working with disabled children and their families, what were his patient's reactions when Scott told them he was leaving?

[Laura Young]

Thanks again for all the encouragement, guys (gals)! Sophie, so far the reactions have all been positive as he is still in the area and will still be available, just via private practice. He's in the transition process now so there are some glitches to work out but it's getting smoother by the day. He should be rolling full steam ahead come August 1!