It's Never the Answer Anyone Wants to Hear

I could hear in the silence that she was dissatisfied with my reply.

It's a common scenario when relationship issues come up in coaching.  I have a permanent Paul Simon soundtrack in my head, "Nervous when your holding it, nervous when it's gone."  Seems like everyone wants to find out how to land that perfect relationship.  You know, the one with the attractive, intelligent, financially responsible partner who will profess their love and commitment before you do, but not too soon, or in too creepy a fashion, so that you can win the game of emotional "Chicken", never losing whatever psychological edge you want to have so you don't get hurt again or appear to be too needy.  Of course, you don't want to appear too aloof either and blow a potentially good thing.

Can I tell you how often I fall to my knees in gratitude that I am not in the dating scene?  I don't know how you all do it. I really don't. 

So, my client, who is certainly not unique in this, recognized that her thoughts have been driving her crazy and she is second and third guessing every step she is taking in a new relationship because she doesn't want to get burned yet again. 

"How do I control these thoughts?" she wondered, exasperated and desperately wanting homework to help her just figure this relationship thing out so she could relax and, um, enjoy it.

"Are you meditating?  You have to meditate."

Silence.

I swore I could hear her mind, "Are you freaking kidding me? That's IT? I'm paying you for that?"

I know there are a plethora of sites out there along with advice columns and relationship blogs telling you this and that about the rules of relationships.

Can I be the salmon swimming against the tide please and tell you the truth?

It isn't about learning the secrets of relationships.

It's about learning your own mind and knowing how to center and master yourself.

Trying to follow someone else's "rules" or prescriptions for acquiring the perfect mate who will never hurt or deceive or frustrate you in anyway is a fool's errand.

First, if you are following a recipe, when do you get to be you?  This does not mean that there aren't quite a few people out there who could learn a thing or two (six?) about communication and what healthy relationships look like but there positively has to be a commitment to self-knowledge and, more importantly, self-mastery in the mix if you want long term, high quality, conscious relationships (romantic relationships as well as friendships).

Secondly, the only relationship guarantee is that you will both change, and not at the same rate and not necessarily in the same direction.  Honestly, do you really want to be the same person you are now in 20 or 30 or 40 years?  No matter what? Come sickness, health, poverty or wealth?  How could you possibly not evolve or be changed by life?  So of course everyone else in your life will as well. 

It isn't important that you be able to look at someone in 30 years and say, "You're still the same person I married."  Tell me you wouldn't be bored silly in that relationship and sliding into a string of affairs with some young upstarts who see a world of potential in front of them and have all the passion to go with it. It's important that you and your partner allow yourself wiggle room so your inevitable changes can happen out in the open and that the ramifications of those changes on the relationship can be talked about openly.

That's extremely hard to do. Impossible perhaps, if you do not know yourself very well and the only way to do that is to have a regular, deliberate, concentrated  practice of inspecting what the heck is going on in your own head. Change scares people, not the least of which are our own changes that we try to write off as the odd "phase" or existential crisis. 

It seems that in dating relationships these days the emphasis is so much on decoding the complex psychology of your partner and the power dynamic between you that one risks being a game piece on your own chess board.

What if I say I don't want kids? Will they toss me aside when I have all this other stuff to offer? What if I say I do want kids? Will they think I'm just trying to trap them so I can quit my career and stay home and have babies?  Which answer will keep me in contention until I can decide if I want them or not? I want to be The Decider!

Icky.  Stop it.  That is not how to build lasting relationships.  This isn't a game.

I was asked in a comment recently where I drew my ideas from.  Well, I draw them from 26 years of adulthood, 2 marriages, a few wrong turns, advanced degrees in psychology, thousands of hours working as a therapist  and a coach with individuals and couples and mountains of spiritual and philosophical study, and meditation born from a pitbull's determination to understand whatever it is this life is trying to teach me. 

The mountains of meditation have taught me the most. 

You know that saying, "You can know the whole universe in a grain of sand?" My intense, honest and painful process of investigating my own mind in terms of relationships have made all that "book learnin'" come alive for me.  For example, I'm fascinated by Freud's concept of projection, a dynamic that leapt out of me in the process of meditating.  I'm a big fan of Byron Katie's work which is simply a functional exploration of this. 

At this point in my life, I'm my own authority.  I take everything I read when I see something that sounds like wisdom and I test the hell out of it.

I'm in a marriage that is stronger than any I have seen, an assessment which I regularly hear is shared by those who have spent time with us. I have several very close relationships that have lasted nearly 20 years. Several people that I know would be there for me, no questions asked, if I needed them.  People, some of whom I am related to, and some of whom I am not, that I can tell you confidently I will be with at their deathbed if I don't go first, supporting them every step of the way.  Some of those people are reading this right now. And as it that were not enough,  I'm preparing to lose a very dear and beloved friend and confidante consciously with no shrinking back from what is likely to be a very painful process.  Anything that is holding me up through this, I think you can safely hang your hat on. 

So, I know it seems wrong, counterintuitive even, that the way to have life long relationships is by meditating until you ferret out all your shit, understand it and can effectively de-activate it but that's the truth.  It isn't about, "Just say this when he says that. Demand this. Never say that. Compromise here. Hold steady there."

Love isn't strategic.

The truth is, you can know everyone by understanding yourself.

YOU are the grain of sand. 

Know yourself. Love yourself. Understand yourself.  Get curious as hell about yourself. Recognize yourself in the actions of everyone around you, especially the maddening ones and most of your questions and nearly every relationship dilemma will fall away.

If you commit to the path of self-knowledge:

• You will know what you need and what you can and simply cannot compromise on.
• You will know when you are playing Cinderella's stepsister, trying to make the shoe fit.
• You will know when you are acting out of fear and insecurity and you will release everyone else from the responsbility of curing you from your own hang ups. 
• You will know when your romantic fantasies are clouding your judgement.
• You will know when your self-protective, fear based goofiness is making you act like a whack job and you may even be able to stop yourself.
• You will trust yourself to have the right words.

I could go on, but you get the idea.

I've been blessed to have several people, and I do mean several, who are masterful at stepping out of the way and not owning what is not theirs in relationships. My husband and Michael are two you know about, but not the only ones.  They've been invaluable and I have learned to do the same. I've been on both sides of this equation.

Developing a conscious relationship with yourself is how you cultivate life-long, deeply and profoundly loving relationships.

It's a challenging path, I'll grant you that. No one wants to battle their own fog when instructions seem to be offered by every self-professed relationships guru out there. 

Here's a tip: If the gurus are only talking about sex and marriage and not issues like death, infertility, job loss, illness, financial problems...all the things that can blindside any of us at any time, you aren't getting the full story.

As Paul Simon says, "Ask somebody to love you takes a lot of nerve."

No kidding.

Lifetime relationships encompass the whole ball of wax.  It's not a morbid thought, it's an eye's open reality. 

Look, I'm all in favor of the steamy relationship. Don't get me wrong. God bless you, I hope you have sex in a broom closet at least once in your life.  But can you do that AND go right into the belly of the beast with all the rest of it at the same time?  The sweetest meat is close to the bone, but you have to be willing to let life cut you.

Wellspring Coaching

Stumble It

Comments

[Kristie]

This above all: to thine ownself be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Perhaps William should have mentioned "Meditate" to Shake one up and spear one's life or cut through the chase! :-)

Your words of wisdom today made my day. Temps going to be around 100 here today - yikes!

Hugs
K

[Laura Young]

Nicely stated my dear! Good to see you here darlin'. Stay cool!

[Brent P. Newhall]

Fantastic post.

[Kate]

The absolute - gospel truth! And also the hardest thing, so often. Thanks.

[Kathy]

Love and a long term relationship is about finding someone else to share a complete you with. The games and psychological battles are just evidence of our own insecurities

I suppose when you get to my age, you realize that if you see something you like, you go for it. Life it too short for all the games

Also people do not take the time to like themselves. I mean truly like themselves.When you do this, it shines through and people are attracted to that

courtesy
http://www.online-dating-agencies.net