Money, Honey, Part 2: Never Assume...

Were you all on pins and needles about our tax appt?  Were we really THAT calm in the face of an anticipated $30K bill?  Were we really singing?

Yes.  And thank God.  LOTS of lessons in this one. 

Saturday morning arrived and we still felt fine. Not happy, but no mini ulcers anywhere to be seen.  We chose our clothing with care...Scott wearing a shirt with a subtle print of coins on it. Me, a belt with coins attached and earrings made from yen.  As I was putting on my lipstick I could hear Scott in the next room rehearsing his Ricky Ricardo impression, substituting our accountant's name in the famous line, "Luuuucy, you got some 'splaining to do!" 

Just as we pulled up to the office the CD player flipped to The Indigo Girls. Closer to Fine...the best thing you've ever done for me is to help me take my life less seriously. It's only life afterall...We high-fived each other and sang along nice and loud as I started to wonder how we actually would bring this up during the meeting. Was I going to turf the hard stuff to Scott or would I handle it? I was tempted to turf, I'll admit it.

We were shown to the office where greetings were exchanged, along with the offer of some green jasmine tea, which I accepted. Dang, jasmine tea...she's not going to make this easy.  You can't get upset with someone who serves you jasmine tea.  Scott turned down the coffee and asked where the restroom was.  Oh, that's how it is. I resisted the urge to cluck as he departed the scene.  Just she and I and the cheery question, "So, how are you guys?!"

Calmly (truly), I pulled out all the paperwork.

"Well, this may not be our best day.  I think we found something bad. Like really bad."

She looked shocked, nervous...all those things one would expect.

I proceeded to point out what I thought we had found.

She nodded, looked at me and said, "Now remember that number also includes Scott's withholdings from his job."

Um.  I forgot to tell you all that we are dorks. 

Scott returned to his seat.  We pointed out the lack of error.  He nodded, drawing out a long "Ohhhh."

Now to be fair to us, the amount was very close to our quarterly amount which is why it looked suspicious to us and the forms from that year were crazy complex (she was with a new firm that year before going it on her own this year) so in some places we didn't really know what we were looking at.  And we were unaccustomed to the strange and wonderful experience of a tax refund so we had every reason to think we were just caught in some fantasy that would surely come to a bad end.

How she resisted giving us noogies at that point, I will never know.

"Why didn't you guys just call?"

"We thought it more wise to drink."

She just shook her head, eyes heavenward. Scott pulled out the red envelope from his pocket and flashes the dollar inside. 

"Chinese lucky money.  I knew it would help."

"You had the lucky money in your pocket?!  I thought about that before we left and I almost grabbed it.  I can't believe you remembered it!" Then, fully appreciating our weirdness, I chuckled. "Oh we scare me sometimes."

"Hey, there is too much laughing in there for a tax appointment!" A co-worker came by.

"I could tell them anything now and they would love me," our accountant laughed as she totalled up that actual damages from the year.  A tiny hit compared to what we were expecting.

Here's where the real lessons start, though...

"So have you been back to Minnesota?"  Scott asked as they both hail from that fine state.

Her tone changed. "Quite a bit, actually.  We had a very bad thing happen.  My niece was injured on New Year's. She's a paraplegic.  She's only 23. Great kid.  Athlete. Just one bad choice. They were four-wheeling with a kid who had been drinking. We can't believe it. She was so involved with SADD in school but her friend was getting married and she was standing up in the wedding so they had a party.  She went down a 40 foot ravine and the vehicle landed on her crushing all her ribs, puncturing her lungs, ripping her diaphragm so they had to do surgery to get her organs back where they should be. We thought she was doing to die that night.  She just got out of the hospital last week."

Remember my "I think something really bad happened?"  Remember the previous post when I said there are worse things in life than a large tax bill?  This would be one of them.

So, we shifted from laughing goof balls to rehab professionals (we may be dorks with some things but we're PhD trained and quite seasoned in others). We talked about the injuries at length and offered to connect her with some resources.  We left the office later feeling grateful in 26 different ways.

So, what did we learn today, children?

1. NEVER ASSUME.  No matter how convinced you are that you know what a situation is, you could be wrong.

2. DON'T RANDOMLY BLAME OR USE TENSION AS AN EXCUSE TO PULL OUT THE KITCHEN SINK.  In a lot of relationships, tension can result in finger pointing because someone, somehow is going to have to pay.  If we can pin blame, we gain a sense of control which helps decrease our own tension (and makes finding a solution someone else's responsbility).  There was nowhere to point the finger between Scott and I but logic doesn't always enter in when people are stressed.  We could have used the tax stress to find other things to fight about, money related or not.  While fighting can be a great tension reliever in the short run, using anger as an excuse to pull out every other grievance one might have is no way to build a trusting relationship.

3. NEVER FORGET THERE IS A PERSON ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CONVERSATION. Even if you ARE right, blasting someone isn't good for anyone.  If you really have a problem and you want it solved it's best to have all the energy directed that way from everyone, rather than defensiveness and snarling and weeping.

4. DON'T WORRY ABOUT WHAT YOU CANNOT DEAL WITH BEFORE YOU CAN DEAL WITH IT.  This doesn't mean don't think it through and start problem solving in your mind.  This really could have had serious implications for Scott and I this year so I think everyone would agree a degree of freaking out would have been totally appropriate.  Appropriate maybe. The best way to prepare ourselves to handle the situation well? Certainly not. And since we were wrong it would have been completely wasted energy. 

5. WATCH THE NARCISSISM, SPARKY.  More than once in my life I have talked myself through irritation and frustration considering that the client who blew me off or the person who stood me up at a lunch date may have had something serious happen that prevented them from calling to say they had to break the appt only to find out I was right and that an injury, illness or death in the family had occured.  This was just one more prime example of how you really never know what someone you are doing business with is dealing with behind the scenes. Were we not on such friendly terms with our accountant and had Scott not asked about Minnesota, we never would have known and if we had blasted her on top of it from the outset...just bad.  Horrible. I'd rather be a dork and publicly admit it than be driven by fear and anxiety, causing damage to others for my lack of perspective any day of the week.

6. DODGING A BULLET DOESN'T MEAN IT'S OKAY TO BE IRRESPONSIBLE. Was there a temptation to go on a wild spending spree?  Maybe a little.  It really did feel like Christmas. However, even if it isn't a tax bill, sometimes things blindside you in life and saving something for a rainy day is always wise if you can do it.  How much you need to feel secure is a pretty individual thing and every financial person will give you a different answer.  If you have the option (and some people don't right now) of looking past today's bills and deciding what to do with the bit extra you have, maybe it's good to run through a scenario or two in your head.  What would happen if I lost my spouse? What if I couldn't work for a while? What if I passed up this sale rack? What if we cooked at home tonight?  Decisions big and small are all decisions that matter and all reveal something about you, good or bad. 

Before I was self-employed I didn't really have a close connection with my money. It just came, in the same amount, every couple weeks, no matter if it was a busy week or a slow week.  I never had to think about it.  Being self-employed puts you much more in tune with just what it takes to bring money into your life.  And all this weaves back to knowing what you value and where you find your center in life.  Now that the anticipated crisis is over, I'll be sure to dive back into this topic in a more 'foundation building' way in future articles so stay tuned.

In the meantime, I'm going to continue with my plans to enjoy the free things in life. Now I'm doing it out of the pure joy rather than as a matter of necessity. David Allen and I have a date with my cookbooks and herb catalogues. Spring is right around the corner and I have a garden to map out...

Want help becoming a happy dork instead of a fear driven stress monkey?  I've turned it into an art form.  Come visit me at  Wellspring Coaching.

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Comments

[Dick Rowan]

What a relief! I feel better for you. Thanks for reminding me of the lessons learned.

By the way, the two 'events'--the Matter of the Dropped Decimal, and Jasmine Jitters at the account's would have made great radio (or podcast).

[Jerry Q]

Hmm..........a little good karma goes a long way I think let me know when you need another cyber hug and a donation to write more. I love giving myself credit for the good things that happen in other folks life what a grand illusion.

[kate]

Whew... :)

[Andy C]

Nice writeup and classic lessons we should all be minding. A couple of lessons I picked up skydiving this weekend (USPA safety day!):

The moment you think you know it all, you'll find out you don't.

You can be right, dead right. Know when to change your plan even if it means not being right.

If you question yourself about the likelihood of getting to where you are going, you're probably not going to get where you're going. Find a new place to land that you are sure you can make it.

-a

[Laura Young]

Hey Andy, Thanks for the compliment on the article, but what I really want to know is the rest of the skydiving story...Sounds a bit harrowing! Do you have a blog link for a post on it?