Top Ten Reasons Your Relationship May Fail

According to a recent New York Times article 51% of women in the U.S. are now living without a spouse as indicated by their analysis of census results.

The article states:

Several factors are driving the statistical shift. At one end of the age spectrum, women are marrying later or living with unmarried partners more often and for longer periods. At the other end, women are living longer as widows and, after a divorce, are more likely than men to delay remarriage, sometimes delighting in their newfound freedom.

According to Prof. Stephanie Coontz, director of public education for the Council on Contemporary Families, a nonprofit research group, "On average, Americans now spend half their adult lives outside marriage.”

I had no idea it was that high or that I was in such a minority. I've already spent over half my life in marriage, (albeit not the same one continually) or living with someone I would ultimately marry. I love being married. After fifteen years I can honestly say, without hesitation, that my marriage to Scott becomes richer every year, even as we become more individuated as adults (maybe because of this). 

Are good marriages really becoming a thing of the past?

William H. Frey, a demographer with the Brookings Institution, notes “For better or worse, women are less dependent on men or the institution of marriage. Younger women understand this better, and are preparing to live longer parts of their lives alone or with nonmarried partners. For many older boomer and senior women, the institution of marriage did not hold the promise they might have hoped for, growing up in an ‘Ozzie and Harriet’ era.”

This article disheartened me not because I think everyone should be married. I have no problem at all with people choosing to remain single.  I'm discouraged because I see so many unhappy relationships and have talked to many people who really did want a good marriage (regardless of gender orientation).  Many people are not single because it was their first choice. But even more, it saddens me that so many women in this article talked about the freedom they have now that they couldn't get in their relationships.  For so many, marriage now feels like it would take something away from them that they value.

Someone once said to me that they thought good marriages were an urban myth and I had to take issue with that because I am in one. But how have Scott and I avoided being another statistic? What have I learned in 25 years in personal development work as a therapist and life coach in addition to my 26 years cumulative years of marriage? As I look at the increasing statistical evidence and have listened to the experiences of those around me, the single, the married and the mostly commited, I have been forced to draw several conclusions as to why most relationships will fail.

Here are my Top Ten Warning Signs that a Relationship May End Badly

1. Demonstrated failure to support each other's growth, feeling threatened by a spouse's success, jealousy toward your partner. This can be communicated in directly undermining ways like when a husband handed divorce papers to his wife when she achieved a hard earned business goal, withdrawing them later when her business began to flounder, or passively/passive aggressively by moping, irritability or other tension that result in the successful partner feeling they have to minimize their achievements or hide them in some way.
2. Hypersenstivity to "control issues" in arguments, often translated as "I hate it when you call me on my shit and just remember you aren't the boss of me." Having every request for compromise or a change in behavior result in some comment referring to "not needing a mother/father."
3. Selfishness/more focus on what you are getting than what you are giving.  Keeping score, especially an internal hidden tally of all the times one has "given in" or done something for the other. Always taking note of who gets the biggest piece of cake.
4. Resistance to taking responsibility for oneself and one actions "Oh yeah? Well you aren't so terrific either. Remember that time you..."
5. Forgetting the "or worse" part of the marriage vows or whether married or not, failure to equally share the burden during hard times.  Example (yes, I know this will be sexist but I have seen it more than once): Husband loses job, wife continues to spend like she always has assuming he will be able to continue to provide in the same way he always did by pulling some magic rabbit out of a hat.  Family goes into debt. Wife panics and maybe gets angry wondering what "they" will do now.  Husband feels pressure to seek high paying job in organization he believes will eat him alive in return for his efforts while wife considers working part time at Hobby Lobby to help make ends meet until "they" get back on their feet and she can quit her hobby job.
6. Beginning with the end in mind or "How will I protect myself when we break up and they try to screw me out of all my stuff?"
7. Basic lack of respect, calling each other names, using sarcasm or demeaning each other in the name of humor.  Cruelty in arguments, use of personal insults when angry. Using anger as an excuse to be hurtful.  (Yes, I did say that. Anger is not an excuse to be cruel and hurtful in your speech or actions.)
8. Sneakiness, "If you don't know about my shit you can't call me on it, now can you?"
9. Framing every compromise as a win-lose proposition.
10. Choosing a partner because something is better than nothing or for what they aren't ("They don't beat me.  I could do worse."). If you can't say immediately and with enthusiasm why you are with your partner, well, why are you with your partner.  Don't treat them like a place holder until something better comes along or a way to stop from being alone if nothing does.

Feel free to comment, agree, disagree, add your own thoughts.  Relationships are hard.  We have fewer and fewer models of solid working relationships around us all the time.  If you have not given up on marriage and do want to be able to say after twenty or thirty, or even five years, that your marriage has enhanced your life and given you more than you would have experienced on your own, please give these points some serious thought.

Good marriages are not an urban myth but they do appear to be on the Endangered Species list.

If I can help at all please don't hesitate to contact me or visit Wellspring Coaching.

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Comments

[John Wesley]

Nice post. I'd read a story along the same lines, but about men, in the NY Times are few months ago. Apparently men without a college education are having a much harder time getting married these days. Marriage seems to be on the decline, but I'm not sure if this is a bad thing. I'm still in my early 20's and have never been married, so I don't have any experience to go off.

[Liara Covert]

It's reassuring to recognize that marriage isn't on the "endangered species list" in all countries. Committed relationships are actually quite widespread. Problems arise in part because couples do not learn how to communicate, and know not how to effectively express their emotions. They may evolve to focus more on themselves (ego) rather than on talking about how to sacrifice or compromise in the best interest of the couple. The whole modern preoccupation with unsatisfied needs, wants and desires, tends to contribute to unhappiness. People forget or devalue the benefits of relationships, companionship and love and what wisdom we can learn from each other.

[Laura Young]

Hi John, As Liara says so beautifully, there really are many good relationships out there even though in the U. S. at least they appear to be in the minority. There are so many positives to be gained from truly commited relationships between people who are invested in being in them consciously, allowing each other room for growth and individuation. So many of us don't have good strong examples of basic maturity in our lives (wisdom does not always follow age). That's one of the reasons I'm so passionate about this blog. Hate to see younger people draw conclusions about what is and isn't possible to achieve in a society that gives so much more of the spotlight to negativity and melodrama.

[Bev]

They forgot the most important one: feminism.

[Laura Young]

Meaning what,Bev? Feminism is a cause of failure or lack of it is? I'm in the thick of a related issue right now so you have me intrigued. Please come back and say more...

[Belladonna]

While I would agree with most of what you've said here, I'm just curious - what are you basing your top 10 on? I've recently been reading some of John Gottman's work and have been intrigued by his evidence based approach.

[Laura Young]

Hi Belladonna,
You've got me curious about those things you don't agree with so feel free to kick things around. As for what I'm basing this on, it's a culmination of the last 25 years or so of having been a therapist as well as a coach, as well as my observation, non-professionally but with my educated mind, of what I see leading to trouble and how I see some couples avoid it. In fact, it you press me there are certainly going to be more than ten, and these may not end up as THE top, but you know, they are pretty big ones and I'm hoping food for thought for everyone.