When Your Old Self and New Self are out of Sync: Social Drag

"Can people ever REALLY change?"

Heck, let's talk about you, specifically.  You've been yourself for quite some time now but maybe you've been feeling the itch to shake things up a bit and are setting out to make some changes in some area of your life. You may even be comtemplating a whole-life makeover, hoping to clear the slate dramatically so you can reinvent yourself. 

The question is, if you succeed in making all these changes, will anyone notice? And If they notice, will they support you or sabotage you?"

Steve Pavlina has a very interesting post on this issue, a phenomenon he refers to as "Social Drag".

I experienced this myself a few years ago quite to my surprise. It has always been my nature to be introspective and I've been immersed in the personal development field in one form or another for over 25 years. Admittedly, my application of the concepts I have studied  was a bit spotty early on.  It takes a while to uncover one's personal blindspots and overcome habitual ways of relating to the world and oneself.  In fact, sometimes I was so lost in the woods one could question whether I was truly on any path at all, save for my own internal fantasy that I was. There is a difference between a personal growth orientation and having the discipline and commitment to actually implement what one is learning. As a friend of mine once said, having a theory of breathing is not the same as breathing!

Detours aside, all that study and dedication did have a cumulative effect.  I reached a personal tipping point eventually after which I began to experience unprecedented growth in many areas of my life, psychologically, spiritually, in my overall health, the quality of my relationships, even in my business. I could see concrete evidence that I was handling stress and chaos in my life (when it occured, which was less and less) without turning into a lunatic and becoming angry at the world for every thwarted plan and inconvenience I encountered. I had more energy and wasn't letting myself get depleted like I used to. My marriage was thriving. My business was thriving. I was finding myself genuinely enjoying at least parts of every single day and there was a whole range of facial expressions (mostly angry ones) that my face simply didn't make any more. Burnout was a distant memory to me. People I hadn't seen in years, upon meeting me once this level of integration began to take place often commented "My God, you look GREAT! You look so happy! WOW.", often interrupting the flow of our conversation to restate this.

So, it completely threw me when my brother, who was wrestling with his own severe case of burnout told me that he doesn't think people can change and that he doubted he could overcome the cyncicism that had been taking a hold of him.  Given my own experience I certainly didn't want to see him giving up hope that he could fare better than he was so I challenged his thinking and told him I didn't agree.

"After all, I've changed."

His response?

"Well, not really."

I was dumbfounded. What did he mean, "not really?" So goes the dynamic of social drag.

Social drag is essentially the lag time between one's changing and the rest of the world giving up its mental image of who one is based on who you have been (to them) in the past. (And, who you may still have occassional "echoes" of from time to time since change happens gradually.)

This is a significant issue and can be a major source of stress in many marriages and close friendships.

Why would this be so?

When we establish any relationship, we do so with an entire set of implied agreements. The longer the relationship lasts, the more firmly these agreements become established, particularly if they are not discussed and challenged early on. For example, I have had a few women who wanted to hire me over the years to help them figure out how to make their husbands more successful so that they wouldn't have to take a bigger part in sharing the financial responsibility for the household. Some went so far as to say this outright! The largely unspoken "agreement" was the man was going to be THE breadwinner,allowing the woman to work simply as an option, or permitting her treat her business ventures as hobbies without the stress of "having to" make money. The agreement in this case was based on then cultural norms for the male head of household.  Many of my male clients have encountered significant direct and indirect resistance by their significant others for just this reason when they have endeavored to change careers.

Or, perhaps a friendship was founded on the principles of "I'm a mess and you are a good listener." If the good listener goes through a period needing emotional support, they might find that the relationship does not provide the mutual level of support they had been expecting. That simply wasn't part of the original "contract".

When people enter a coaching relationship, the gap between the original relationship contracts with their family, friends and coworkers, (and by this I mean both the implied as well as stated agreements) for how the relationships will function can grow quite wide very quickly.  Without external support, many people find the gravitational pull of life as it currently is to be too difficult to break free from. With external support, as in a coaching relationship, the force field of the status quo is broken and frankly, that can lead to quite a chaotic state of affairs.  The same can happen when people enter into counselling. Things often get worse before they get better.

This is very difficult to absorb when one has set out specifically to make positive life changes.  What gives? Don't the people who say they care about you really want you to be happy? 

Well, they do and they don't.  It depends on what your vision of personal happiness means to them. As a rule, many people fear change, especially when it is change they haven't initiated.  One way social drag works psychologically is as a form of denial.  "You aren't really serious about this are you?  You'll be through this phase eventually and then we'll go back to normal."  It's a way of protecting the status quo.  It also is a way that some people may try to sabotage you, even if they really care about you, so that you don't make them uncomfortable with their own problems.  When the nature of someone else's change is going to result in our having to have more responsibility in some area of family life, or our own personal life, many of us resist. Take the example of the friends that I gave above. If I would rather whine than do the hard work of changing my lot in life, I will want friends who indulge my whining.  If they change and stop enabling my behavior it's going to make me uncomfortable. Think about it this way: Not every active alcoholic rejoices when they start to watch a drinking buddy get sober.

This pull to remain the same does not always come as a surprise to the one setting a new course. To use the example above, many times I have heard a primary breadwinner (male or female) state they did not believe they would truly be supported by their family members in making a life change, EVEN IF THE INDIVIDUAL WAS DOING SO FOR HEALTH REASONS, let alone for their own growth, because the family did not want them to change their role. Resistance is natural because we are all interconnected. One person can't change in a fundamental, meaningful way without everyone else being affected.

You may have heard the story about the crabs in the bucket. Just as one is about to climb out, the rest of the crabs pull them back down. Sometimes success threatens people simply because it threatens the status quo and the status quo feels stable and predictable.

Steve says that social drag is mainly a nuisance. This is where I disagree.

I think social drag is mainly a nuisance for individuals who are strong willed and who never bought in overly strongly to how other people have felt about them or what popular opinion is. Some people are born mavericks and don't have fear of the implications of continually reinventing themselves.

In my experience, these folks are in the minority. For most people, their family and work cultures are SO strong and their dreams about changing their lives might be so ill-defined or represent such a profound change that most of the fruit just dies on the vine. Naysayers, critics and those who suggest "you'll never change" can kill all serious efforts to do the work of changing one's life in a significant way. In my opinion, this is why coaching is taking off as a profession. When the social drag (or anticipated social drag) is too strong for a person to overcome (think of it like a gravitational field), but when that person can no longer consent to living their life as it has always been lived, a coach can be recruited as a sort of booster rocket so help that individual break the gravitional pull of the belief systems that threaten success.

In fact, social drag can be an internal phenomenon as well.  Sometimes our images of ourselves are just as slow to change. That often shows up as The Imposter Syndrome, a topic I will address in future articles so stay tuned!

Laura Young / Wellspring Coaching

Comments

[Randy Graves]

The entire concept of self change is an interesting one. Just look at how our parents (and maybe ourselves as well) view our children as they grow. There is a STRONG urge to view our children as they were when they left our sphere of influence, or at about 18 years old. Even as they go away to school and graduate from college, or strike out on their own, our internal image of them is as the 18 year old who needs advice and guidence to live their life. So we think! We often do not see their growth, or understand that they are making choices that change how they look at life. So, we are stuck with the view of the 30 or 40 something as an 18 year old. This happened with my Dad, as I had spent 6 years in the Air Force, graduated from college, married and was a father for the 1st of our 4 boys. We moved from back east back to Sacramento (where I was born and raised), and my Dad second guessed every decision my wife and I made, including where we bought our house, what kind of car we had, and even day to day decisions. I had to finally confront him, and explain that I was 33 (at that time) and not 18 anymore. He really didn't understand that he was treating me that way until I pointed it out. So, how do we keep from doing the same thing to others?

We have to listen to others, not just have our own comfortable perception of who they are set in our mind. We need to keep an open mind to everyone, especially to those that we are close to. It is too easy to just keep the same image of our siblings (I'm the youngest, so will always not really know anything according to my sister!) and others that we love. This is much harder, but much more satisfying in the end, because we evolve our mental images as others evolve.

R

[Laura Young]

Well said, Randy!

[JHS]

Thanks for participating in the Memorial Day Edition of the Carnival of Family Life. This is a wonderful contribution to the Carnival at http://www.jhsiess.com

[Holly Schwendiman]

I think the reality is that we are generally an unforgiving species. If we manage to do it for ourselves, we rarely do it for those around us. I had many discussions about "reputations" growing up in a small town and how it wouldn't matter what a person really did do or didn't do - did change or didn't change if those around them wouldn't allow that to happen. I like the rule of 3 for avoiding gossip: 1) Is it true? 2)Is it kind? and 3) Is it necessary? if the answer to any of them is no then it's gossip. Problem is it's so much easier to participate in gossip than it is to be proactive and supportive. Here's to change - it starts inside and that's what matters most. We can only control ourselves and our thoughts so that's where I'll push the majority of my focus. ;) Great post.

Hugs,
Holly
Here via the Carnival of Family Life. :)

[Heather Flanagan]

I am grateful that you submitted this post to the !Visualize Possibilities! Blog Carnival. I am personally delighted with the deeper insight into "Social Drag". I have certainly recognized the pattern in myself around how I treat my father. He has done an enormous amount of personal growth but I sometimes still treat him, in my mind if not externally, as if he wants something from me that I cannot give. It's not a problem for him, but it can be cumbersome for me to continue to hold this pattern. I'll be interested if you post any further suggestions on what to do about this.

Heather Flanagan
Cultural Visionary
www.VisualizePossibilities.com