We’ve all heard it said, “It’s not the situation, it’s how you deal with the situation that determines your stress.” Sounds simple, doesn’t it? Change your mind about something and you change your experience of it. Attitude is everything, after all, isn’t it?
Well, yes and no.
Psychologists have long held that individuals with an “internal locus of control”, who believe that they have a significant degree of self-determination in the course of their lives, fare better that those with an “external locus of control.” By contrast, an external locus of control is a belief that life is basically a random stream of events and that luck, the Fates and other people are really in charge of your future. It’s all a matter of how you interpret events. Sue lands a job that she loves and determines that this is her reward for years of hard study and a strong work ethic. John lands his dream job and believes he happened to be in the right place at the right time. Both are probably valid perspectives and neither interpretation will have much bearing on their psychological health since the situation in question is a happy one.
But what happens when life falls apart?
Let’s say that Sue gets into a car accident shortly after accepting the new job offer and within the week finds out that her husband has to undergo a biopsy for a suspicious tumor. Having a predisposition toward an internal locus of control is likely to result in Sue being proactive with these stressors. She is unlikely to generalize these events and judge her life in general as “falling apart.” Although she may be overwhelmed, she won’t be prone to catastrophizing. She will likely devote her time to making plans to meet the new demands, believing that she will find a way to get through these stressors and come out on top. She has an inherent belief in herself that will allow her to weather the storm.
John, on the other hand, faced with an accident and an ill spouse might be more inclined to feel helpless and overwhelmed, waiting for the “other shoe to drop”. He might go so far as to wonder whether these circumstances are signs that he has made wrong choices in other areas of his life and he may begin to question seemingly unrelated issues like his acceptance of the new job offer. He may second guess himself or take this string of events as evidence that he is not meant to get ahead in life. His inherent belief is that the world is a difficult place and you just have to do the best you can to survive it and that anyone who is too optimistic is ‘wearing rose-colored glasses’.
Whose outlook is correct?
Probably both. The world is rife with paradox, as much a source of agony as it is a source of joy. The question is not whose truth is more valid, but who stands the best chance of thriving in whatever circumstances occur. Whether she is an optimistic woman by nature (born that way) or nurture (raised that way), Sue has the cards tipped in her favor where stress resilience is concerned.
But what if you don’t think like Sue? Or what if you do and life has simply thrown too many things your way to manage?
This is where the “just stay positive” advice starts to wear thin for most people. Everyone has a limit in what they can handle and we can’t just think ourselves out of one crisis after another without hitting a wall at some point.
It isn’t just how you think about things. It’s what you DO to cultivate a lifestyle that will help you maintain the mental focus you will need when fatigue and chaos come to visit you that will determine your optimal level of stress resilience and wellness over the long run.
Why should you think about adopting stress management practices as a lifestyle? Isn’t that just putting a bandage on the problem? Maybe I just want to avoid stress altogether!
Good luck! The fact is that you really don’t have control over what lands on your plate and when. No one knows this better than the generation now in middle age. With our well publicized extended life span, dealing with the needs of aging parents (many of whom may now be living in separate households due to divorce or may be geographically distant from their children) is a reality facing many. Add to this career pressures for many who are now in senior positions at work and the demands of launching a family of one’s own and the pressures increase. And, of course, there is the reality that the signs of one’s own aging are becoming more evident.
How do you cultivate a lifestyle that will help you manage the impact of all this on your life?
The key here is in the word “internal” as discussed above. Very often people in stressful situations employ a number of external tools to assist them. They may read self-help books, ask for advice, take various substances (good and bad) to help them regulate their sleep and mood to assist them in coping. They may engage in a number of escapist activities from television watching to computer games to shopping. The possibilities are endless.
And, while they are using all the aids for dealing with stress they can find, they are trying desperately to become more efficient. Multitasking becomes a way of life. Sleep gets cut. Convenience foods are the norm. Grace and humor give way to edgy drill sergeant barks. Conversations within the family are utilitarian, aimed at managing the logistics of the family’s life with little time for anything else.
What has been lacking, all too often, even in people who have a natural inclination toward an internal locus of control, is a true dedication to a centering practice of some type to keep them aware of and in touch with their own thoughts and feelings as they move through life. American culture does not promote this as a lifestyle, unfortunately (it would kill “impulse buying” in no time flat!). A strong inner life may promote a sense of peace and increased stress resilience, but, frankly, it will never drive the economy. As a result, you may not meet many examples of optimally stress resilient people in your life.
That doesn’t mean you can’t be one, yourself.
A regular centering practice is critical for maintaining optimal wellness. Whether you are drawn to practice yoga, meditation, deep breathing, walking, gardening or related practice is not important. All that matters is that it calms you down, clears your head and has a physical component to it.
This cannot be overstated. We are not talking about SURVIVING stress. We are talking about strategies to maintain optimal wellness despite the presence of stress in your life. This isn’t just about making it until you can get to your vacation, or to the weekend, or around that fictitious corner when things will get better. This is about being better now, even in the middle of chaotic life circumstances.
The key is to employ a practice that takes you out of your head and into your body and then gets you back to your head in a peaceful and proactive way.
Regular, deliberate centering practices that have a physical component to them will enable you to sensitize yourself to your own state of health and to proactively address your body’s needs. Under stress, many people forget things like eating. Meals get skipped. Sleep deteriorates. Short term, you might be able to get away with some neglect of your health but long term the consequences could be serious for your physical and your mental health. Mind focused practices like journaling, writing affirmations and reading personal development books are not enough!
Stress is a physical event. It may be in response to a mental event, like a hurtful comment by your spouse or an argument with a friend or co-worker or anxiety over money but the impact of stress, itself, is physical and must be attended to as such.
Stretching, deep breathing, physical exertion appropriate to your ability to give your body an outlet for the famous ‘flight or fight’ response will allow your body to calm down so that you can get to the work of cultivating a perspective that will allow you to manage the situations you face with wisdom and maturity.
Think of these practices like a parachute that save you when you feel like you are going to go right over the edge. The time to weave the parachute is not when you are about to jump! If you are like most adults who grew up without being introduced to these centering practices, don’t be surprised if it is difficult to integrate them into your life, particularly if you are already in the midst of stressful events.
Seek and follow a qualified mentor to assist you in developing an integrated approach to stress management. Don’t beat yourself up if you can’t just “get your head in the game”. Your head may not be the problem. Stress is a mind-body phenomenon. Working with both areas in an integrated fashion with dedication to establishing life long wellness habits will yield recognizable benefits no matter what comes your way.
After all, what is the alternative?
This post is so true... As you said, the saying “It’s not the situation, it’s how you deal with the situation that determines your stress” is something that we hear all to often. And the times when we may feel too overwhelmed are the times when we need to dig the deepest and shore up all the resolve we can to keep going. On the back of this a saying I always like to use to keep myself going is: "When the going gets tough and you're hardest hit, rest if you must but don't you quit!"
Posted by: Melanie Motivation Mills | January 16, 2008 at 08:22 AM