RISHI ROLLING
There is a difference between:
I stumbled on some great resources while dismantling an old blog. I know this is of great interest to several of you. Happy surfing!
Righteous Babe (Ani DeFranco's site...social activism and independent music)
For more on social entrepreneurship check out this article at BBC News.
Also check other posts in this blog category for additional resources.
"So, let me aks you sump'n. Are you one of dos modern women who makes up dere own name?"
First, let me say, I love Chicago guys...the real "Chicahgo geisszz". I was raised around them and they are like no other men I've ever met.
This question came from a roofer who noted that my last name is not the same as my husband's.
Yep. I'm one of those modern women. I made up my own name.
Now, while I've been laughing about this for a few days now, it also has been working on my mind. Think about the conscious decision to take your own name. A variation on the marriage ceremony, if you will. If I asked myself to marry myself, would I say yes?
I'm not convinced I would if I'm really honest about it.
Yeah, kind of flippy, I know, but I'm actually serious about this. I mean, think about it. You ARE married to yourself, for life! (because, face it, a divorce would be...umm...messy!) But how are you showing up in this relationship?
Some examples of what I mean: I will confess, I know I eat food that I wouldn't serve friends (left overs that haven't exactly gone bad but that aren't exactly fresh either, for example. Things that I don't really want to throw out but don't want my husband to have to eat, so I eat them. The equivalent of the low self esteem outfit that you keep in your closet but you feel icky every time you wear it.) I work out of my home so some days I don't really care how I look because I'm the only one who sees me, if I bother to look at all. When I'm by myself, a lot of things don't matter that WOULD matter if someone I cared about were to come over.
It's a nice freedom that comes with self-employment, but it's also a slippery slope and you can become invisible to yourself.
So, I'm realizing that if I were going to try to woo my own hand in marriage, I'd need to make a little more effort if I intended to be taken seriously. I am one hell of a catch for the man I love but when it's just me hanging out with myself, honestly, I've been getting a little sloppy.
When I was a young martial arts instructor, we used to tell students to take their concentration all the way to their fingertips. You have to be complete in your focus.
I've been good with the big stuff, but my attention hasn't been all the way to my fingertips. But when it is, I rock.
Somewhere along the line I slipped into being someone for others. I'll dress nice for you, put on some lipstick, some nice cologne, make you something lovely to eat, make sure the house is vaccuumed. It's the equivalent of saving something "for company".
That's just wrong.
It isn't even a self-esteem thing. It's just a "pay attention" thing. It's just a "take delight in yourself" thing.
I LOVE how my house feels when we are getting ready for company. I love all the little things I do to make it special. If I had company living with me every day I would live like a queen. (not by spending tons of money, but by thinking through to the details that I will do for everyone but "just me".)
So, I've decided it's time to woo myself. I think I've got serious potential.
I was thinking yesterday as I was cleaning my bathroom that I have enough bottles of nice smelling lotion to last for the next 3 years. Why am I not using it? Well, because I don't take my time getting myself together. I do the basics (shower, brush my teeth, grab a pony tail holder and I'm good to go). Those nice touches that take me to the end of my fingertips...they just don't happen.
And I KNOW I am not the only woman in the world with the equivalent of a Crabtree and Evelyn outlet store in her bathroom. We buy this stuff for ourselves, give it as gifts, get them as gifts. And then they accumulate.
Have you ever given someone a nice little spa type kit (or something else like this) because you really want them to have a nice treat? And have you ever noticed those pretty bottles, still unopened sitting like decorations in the powder room?
So, enough of that silliness.
If you see yourself in any of this, here's today's challenge: Toss out that old makeup. (And the expired medicine in the cabinet and the stray Q-tips that are strewn about). Do something really wild like grab a new toothbrush. Maybe take your vitamins. Decide you will floss your teeth every day. Maybe put fresh blades in your razor. Take everything (everything) out of your bathroom cabinets and see what you even have and start to use it.
Bonus points: Have a little spa time. Hot oil treatment. Face mask. Whatever. You know you have some of the stuff.
Special secret: I have a hot tip for you that I have done for years. I swear this is an amazing experience for relieving tension when you can't get a massage and making you feel so fresh and clean you won't believe it:
In the shower, let yourself get nice and warm under the hottest water you can take. Then, trust me on this and remember to breathe, change the water to as cold as you can take it and let it run down your back for several seconds. BREATHE! Focus on how your muscles react, more than the cold. They drawn up and constrict. Then turn the water back to warm/hot and feel them let go. Then back to cold. Then hot. I like to end on cold and then jump in bed for a little meditation. It's like having a very deep massage. You'll be able to tolerate greater temp fluctuations as you do this over time.
This Hallmark card was sent to me by a friend. I know many of you can relate! Happy Monday!!
Kristie sent me a link to a great article at the Yoga Journal that may be of interest to you if you want to practice working with your emotions through a meditation practice, or even while you are sitting in traffic.
More interesting research from the world of positive psychology...
A recent article in Canadian Psychology (vol. 49, #1) is "On the psychology of passion: In search of what makes people's lives most worth living."
Author Robert Vallerand notes that other than romantic passion, the topic of passion has only recently become a focus of psychological research. This report posits a dual theory of passion, distinguishing harmonious from obsessive passion. Here is an excerpt:
"Passion is defined as a strong inclination toward self- defining activity that one loves, finds important, and devotes significant amount of time and energy. Furthermore, two types of passion are proposed depending on how the activity representation has been internalised in one's identity. While harmonious passion entails control of the activity and an harmonious coexistence of the passionate activity with other activities in identity, obsessive passion entails the relative lack of control over the passionate activity, rigid persistence, and conflict with other activities in one's life. Strong support for the model was obtained. In addition, harmonious passion was found to promote more adaptive outcomes than obsessive passion on a number of cognitive, affective, behavioural, interpersonal, and performance outcomes, on a ariety of activities and with various populations ranging from children to the elderly."
The more I reflect on this Washington post article sent to me by Dick Rowan, the more sense it makes to me. I think it holds a key to something that has perplexed me about myself for years...why I go into funks periodically that I can't quite explain. As you probably can gather if you spend any time at all here, I'm a woman with many interests and I'm grateful for having a mind and body fit enough to pursue so many of them.
As my husband will emphatically attest, I have never fully grasped the concept of being one person with a finite number of hours in a day. No matter how I orchestrate my schedule and how efficient I become I just can't get to everything I would love to do.
That used to be a source of stress for me. When would I do my photography if I am learning massage and when will we practice our Latin Ballroom dance and I have a schedule cookie baking with Monique and I wanted to get those tomotoes canned....
You get the picture.
In recent years I have come around to understand that I can't master everything. I've been content to dabble and juggle my diverse interests and don't sweat it if I let a few skills and talents lie dormant for a while. I'm much happier for it and life is much more manageable.
But every once in a while I hit a glitch...a funk...a patch of stress and frustration that really gets to me a lot more than it should.
That's where the concept of Inner and Outer balance comes in so perfectly.
Sometimes when business is rockin' or when the house needs attention, or other people need me, I can drop all those things that feed my inner life. All of them.
I can be a workhorse so efficient and productive it was scary. And I can tell you right now I never regret a single thing that I accomplish. When I am in my productive zone, there is no fluff and I am proud of what I get done.
That is my dilemma. I know in those times that I consciously make choices that I feel are important to make and feeling myself overworking with every one of them while knowing I would choose the same if I had to do it over again.
The same, with one exception...I would hope I'd remember to feed the well!
It takes a considerable amount of discipline to remember that we have a whole inner aspect to our lives. We can't only focus on the OUTER work to be done.
An interesting twist on this theme: I realize that some of the activities I have tried to balance and then dropped along the way, at times, seemed external to me but were really ways I fed that inner part of me. Perfect example: hanging clothes on the line in the summer. I love that more that I can say. Hardly did it at all last year. Ditto with letting my garden get away from me as the season wears on (a big mistake for a perennial gardener!). When I look from one angle, it is simply that I had to trade one activity for another due to time. What I see on closer reflection is that I may end up, unwittingly, trading too many internal "feeders" for external activities. The fact is, weeding is like meditation for me. One of the most head clearing activities I do. If I trade that for reading a book on building my business, for example, and hire someone else to do the weeding it looks like that is just sensible, right? Do what only I can do (grow my own business) while I hire out to a high school kid the mindless labor of weeding.
But I can't farm out my own meditation to a high school kid. Gardening, for me, isn't an external task. It's an INTERNAL one.
That is HUGE.
Same thing with photography. INTERNAL. And, believe it or not, cleaning is, too.
So, today I am experimenting a bit. The frogs are croaking their heads off and the mallards are getting quite frisky in the marsh and I have my laptop and I am on my patio watching the geese land just this very minute. Can internal and external co-exist a bit with my technology providing a bridge? I hope so. It would be very cool to think that I could get back to that writing that I started and put out some articles for you to assist you in your own endeavors while keeping myself immersed in an environment that keeps me feeling vital and refreshed. The truth is, self-employed people are often notorious overworkers, especially when they love what they do. I'm no exception. Integration is difficult to achieve. Marrying my inner and outer lives a bit more in the actual activities of my daily life fits right in here. I feel a beautiful Springtime coming on...
Let's see how it goes...
This was sent to me by a coaching client as she was reflecting on a recent session. I am reprinting it here with her permission. I thought she had some very interesting thoughts here, particularly the point on embracing pain. I don't know that people often associate pain with success and yet it is part of the human condition so how a person relates to pain may have a lot more to say about their ultimate success than how they deal with good times.
So, how about you? How do you define success? What does it look like to you? Who are your success role models? (please add your own thoughts in the comments section)
My client's thoughts:
To me there are a least two different types of successful people,
Type A:
1. Have the material items to show the world. Flaunt it if you may.
2. Powerful - in an aggressive way. (look out world here I am attitude.)
3. Civic minded for appearance only.
4. Don't see the whole picture.
5. Focus on their visionThis type is successful at hiding pain the most.
Type B:
1. Have Beautiful items because it brings them joy, peace.
2. Powerful - Personal strength. Knowing how to take a stand.
3. Civic minded - to better the community.
4. Knows everything is connected.
5. Very Compassionate about life.
6. Spreads encouragement every chance that comes.
7. Takes time to watch the ants, smell the flowers, etc.
8. Embraces pain as a growing tool.
This type is successful at loving the most.I am working on becoming a successful Type B person.
I wanted to take this opportunity to thank everyone who has contributed seed money to the Save the Starship Fund. So far we have raised $165. I know times are tough for everyone now so that makes your contributions that much more meaningful. As I have been telling the donors, it truly is humbling to have to ask for money and even more humbling to receive it, particularly when contributed by people I don't even know.
I received a lovely reply which warmed my heart. It captures a spirit which I hope your support of Michael will continue to nurture:
If you believe in miracles even the great Prophet Jesus asked for loaves and fishes before they were multiplied. It is a joyous thing you do and all money that is raised should be done with humbleness for the honor to help and passion for the caused served.
It is never my intention to sensationalize or make melodramatic pleas for help and if you never contribute a penny you are still welcome at this blog but I do want you to appreciate how meaningful your support is. From medical care to van repairs to personal assistants who turn him in bed every 2 hours at night and get him exercised, dressed, fed and out of the house so he can work everyday, to the smallest home repair (down to changing lightbulbs) Michael has to hire help.
I have come to appreciate something that we don't always acknowledge:
It's easier to raise money for children who so easily capture our hearts and the newly injured when life is much more dramatic and emotions are high for everyone. But, truly, after 33 years, people kind of forget that the needs of the disabled never ever diminish, but, in fact, increase. In fact, with someone disabled as long as Michael it's almost easy to forget, in a strange way, just how much work his life takes because it's just so normal. His hands are all contracted and you just get used to it. You don't think about things like how he can't wear gloves in the winter, no matter how cold, because he can't put them on. It just doesn't occur to us and he doesn't point it out. In general, we don't think about 49 year olds needing help and honestly, if you were to meet Michael he is so positive and upbeat that it would be very easy to look at him as someone who has everything entirely under control. Makes him a joy to be around, a heck of a teacher in dignity, grace and fortitude but yowsa what the man behind the curtain goes through...
So please, if you can, help spread the word to your own networks, or maybe at your own blogs. This literally is about keeping Michael alive, out of the hospital and as independent as possible. If anyone has any additional ideas for us on ways to get support, I'm all ears. I won't be making endless pleas here, so don't worry about that if it makes you uncomfortable but I will update you once in a while to let you know about the good your help is doing.
Thanks everyone!
I've been dismantling an old blog and found this post. For reasons not germaine to this topic, I stopped going to my yoga school so my specific practices have changed. While that detail of this post may be different, the meat of this article is, I believe, of critical importance, so I am reposting if for you now. This may well be the most important post I've ever written.
Why, exactly, would I get up and go to a 5:30 am class when I know darn well that I am going to be asked to spend prolonged time in physical discomfort? Wouldn't snuggling next to Melvin-Scotty-Sweet Potato Johnson and listening to the frogs in the marsh give me everything I could ever want and take me where I want to go spiritually?
Yes and no.
Waking up next to the love of my life every day is one of the best parts of my life...running neck and neck with falling asleep next to him every night. And the frogs and the spectacular wood ducks in the marsh and the bursting forth of a million trout lillies in my yard definitely feed my spirit. Many things in my life get me high...and soon meditating on the roof season will be here full force and I'll be even higher.
What those things don't teach me is how to live with and work with pain. Pain is a part of life....physical, emotional, spiritual...it is going to be part of your human experience.
In the U.S., we do everything we can to avoid pain (and aging, and death, and loss of sexual potency, and and and...). But despite all our efforts and billions of dollars spent to remedy this and that we still have pain. We still suffer loss. We still age and die. Plans get thwarted. The unexpected happens. It's just the way it is.
I don't know about you, but I would much rather face pain with a few skills under my belt so it doesn't kill me. I stand firmly on the belief that you can't increase your physical and emotional strength without learning how to cope with pain (grief, boredom, fear, anxiety, stress, etc. etc.)
One of the best ways to do this is by gradual exposure to pain and learning how to work with your mind.
If I am standing in the Eagle posture and my deltoids are screaming and my mind is tired and it's early and maybe I just don't want to be in one position for 15 or 20 minutes, my mind is going to be fighting me long and hard. I can EASILY say, "Screw this, I'm not coming tomorrow, this is ridiculous, I can't do this, it's too hard..."
But if I can't handle THAT pain, that self-imposed, totally optional, non-lethal, of no consequence to anyone pain how in the hell am I expecting myself to handle REAL pain...the pain of the loss of someone dear to me, or my own health, for example? It's like an innoculation.
So, while I was in the eagle posture this morning (which may go by different names, and other traditions may use the term "eagle" to describe different postures...) this is what happened in my head.
My instructor hits "play" on the CD that has the song we hold the posture to.
"Crap. " I begin my anticipation of pain and assume the posture.
After a few minutes I get some burning and I start to think, "I don't think I can do this as long today. After all, I was here until 9 last night. Three different classes yesterday of tough postures. I really need a rest, I think. I mean, I'm 43. I've been pushing it hard lately. And a couple nights ago I didn't sleep as well. What's the big deal if I put them down for a few moments?"
And while I am thinking this, my arms are still up.
Then I notice, "Wow, my legs feel really strong. Feet are nice and warm. This actually feels good everywhere but my arms."
"But my arms. I just can't hold them up anymore."
And, yet, while I am thinking this, they are still up. "Can't" is just a belief. A belief that is being dispelled every time I find myself saying I can't and noticing that somehow, I still AM.
Then I start to examine the "pain". What is it that makes me feel I can't hold them up? Let me look into this pain.
There is some tightness, some heat, some shaking. Which of those makes me feel I have to put my arms down? Do I have to put them down because of the shaking? No. How about the heat? No, that actually feels okay. The tightness then? Maybe. Maybe. Is it really true I can't hold them up?
Meanwhile my arms are still up. My body is just standing there and my mind is running all over trying to find ways to justify to myself why I can't do this and why it would be okay to let myself off the hook since I was so good yesterday.
And this takes some time. Soon I realize the song which my instructor is playing is about to complete a cycle and I am hoping he will take pity on me because I've been so good. Yeah, we'll probably get to put our arms down at the end of this cycle, I decide.
I start to feel relief (and a decrease in pain intolerance) because I see the end of the torture in sight.
And then another cycle of the song begins and my instructor doesn't so much as look at us, just serenely standing there like he could go all damn day long. Then my mind starts to get angry at him, think him unreasonable and unsympathetic. I want to blame my pain on him but I'm the one who drove in. He's not MAKING me do anything. He's just standing there holding the posture. Doesn't HE know I can't do this for another round of this song? Apparently he doesn't know that.
Suddenly my pain INTOLERANCE grows. My PAIN didn't change significantly between the last 10 seconds of one song cycle and the opening 10 seconds of the next but my tolerance of it certainly did.
This is huge. HUGE.
You can develop higher pain tolerance but it takes work and consistent practice to do so. Mastering pain is really about mastering your mind. There is nothing to master when I am in bed listening to the frogs and hearing my honey breathing next to me. If I could just live like that for the rest of my life in a little bubble where nothing bad ever happened and nothing I cared about was ever taken away, I'd keep sleeping.
That guarantee has never been given to me.
When I was with my mom last week I watched how her anxiety over what she was anticipating was so much worse than her limitations at several points. Of course, she is disabled and needs assistance to manage stairs and get in and out of vehicles but what I saw (and felt as she clung to me) was that as soon as she became convinced she would fall or couldn't do something she panicked, clutched on to me (or my husband) and let go of everything she knew about how to stand and move her body properly to avoid falling. Elvis completely left the building. Because she never fell and everything was accomplished well she was able to observe that her mind was a bigger obstacle than her body.
I don't want to have to learn that for the first time when I have a stroke and my life is completely dismantled. I want to learn it now, so that when something happens in my life I know how to dance with the pain and hold my center.
A couple more real life examples:
I saved my ex-husband's life when he panicked while swimming in the ocean. He just freaked and started to take in water and I had to hold him and swim him back to shore. In fact, I had to do a similar thing at age 10 when I fell through the ice into water over my head with my little neighbor girl. I had taken swimming lessons which included lessons in just this very situation since we many of us lived on the river and our instructor knew this could happen. I got out and she almost did too but then she had the thought that she didn't have swimming lessons like I did so she was going to die. Once she had that thought, she panicked and slipped back under the ice.
Read that again.
Her mind almost killed her.
Literally.
I had to dive in to fish her out of the river. With no more life saving experience than that, but cultivating an entire life that allowed me to work with pain, stress, my mind (through various practices, most notably martial arts) I was able to draw upon life saving techniques I learned as a child in 3rd grade and not panic allowing me to save my ex when I was 27 and swimming in the ocean.
You have to cultivate these skills as a lifestyle. These are skills that can literally save your life, or someone else's if you master them.
THAT is why endure the "largee pain" at 5:30.
And besides, the moon has been lovely at 4:45 am.
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